Saturday, Jan. 29, 2005 | 2:04 A.M.
May 2002
I've been meanging to post this entry for a long time. But first...
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Got that out of the way. Anyways, I've been meaing to post this entry for some time now. I was bored at work and decided to write down what was on my mind. So, let's see how this goes, shall we?
I have problems, big problems. Well, I don't know if they are big problems, but they are problems nonetheless. I basically have OCD, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, without the OCD. What I mean is, I don't actually, clinically, have OCD, but I have OCD tendancies. I obsess compulsively, or I compulsively obsess. Thoughts zoom in and out of consciousness, and seomtimes a thought stay within conscious long enough that it dreates waves of thoughts that I MUST do something to either resolve or satisfy these thoughts. My worst thoughts are dealign with money and sex, sometimes both at the same time. And both I get in trouble with Erin.
I really wish there was a way to record my thoughts down faster than writing or typing, becuase my mind moves way too fast for either. I'm already on a different subjext, but my hands are still on the last. Because of that, I hav eto stay conscious about what I am doing at the moment, and I forget where I was going or what I was thinking. I guess that is why I jump from subject to subject lots, or have "stream of conscience" thought. I had to look in the dictionary to figure out the difference between conscience and conscious, and when to use them correctly; I am still a bit confused when to use which. I think this way is correct: "I'm conscious of my conscience."
The smartest people in the work are probably crazy or mental. They have to be. Their condition allows them to be free of daily restrictions and see things we cannot. But all this boils down to control and order in an uncontrolable world.
There. This is what I wrote at work one day. Reading it, it really doesn't make alot of sense. Do I realy talk like this to people?? No wonder they cannot understand me.
Ah, freedom. Seems like we have to accept soo much contorl and restrictions and give up soo much in order to be free. This is just one example that this world, this reality, is just fucked up. Freedom is such an oxymoron, a paradox, that only human could come up with it. Or God. Mind games, man, mind games...