Monday, Dec. 16, 2002 | 12:06 P.M.
You want emotion, feelings, drama....well you got it
I got a new review from Enigma Reviews. Go check it out if you want to.
Okay, now on to business.
I know, or I should say, I have known for some time why I do certain things, most destructive things, to myself. This relates to either my life in general, some aspect of my life (school, relationships), or a task I have to accomplish (paper, clean house, give gifts), much anything like that, but with an added element, these usually add stress to my life. Why adding stress you ask, well, my friend, that's easy; because I am afraid I will fail, or not do well, won't give a good gift, won't do a job to my full potential, will be laughed at, made fun of, outcasted...you get the idea. This will be known as Brick Wall #1: Fear.
Next we have, when I actually try to do the work, I know it won't be good. While I am reading, writing, picking, making choices, listening, talking, arguing, anything like that, I know I won't do well, or whatever I am doing won't be worth the person's time I am relating to, whether it be a professor, or m-lady, or even this diary. It just won't, even if I do try hard and work, it won't be any good. This will be Brick Wall #2: Ultimate Failure.
Now, with the knowledge that I won't do well, and no one will like it, I need to find something to do with my time that will occupy me from doing said work, that will hinder me when I actually have to do it. Now, this distraction may be something simple like the television, a movie, a book, things like that. Then they can be a bit more serious, playing video games (which I can do hours upon hours straight), the computer with it's numerou possibilities. Now adressing the Internet. I can do simple things like check my email, look at comics, and even write in this lovely diary. But, at time where my stress levels are high and I am feeling particular down, or know my work will not amount to much, I move on to more serious distractions. This is what I can Brick Wall #3: Distractions
I am having a hard time deciding if or what I should post on here about said things. I guess I'll just see as I write.
Before I go further about the internet, I would also like to add something else that adds to my dispear, food. And I am sure some of you know what I am talking about, when we are down, we eat. Well, I do this on occassion because I am trying to be careful with my weight, and I know that I am going to fail, then why care, who gives a shit, might as well be fat too. And since my loathing knows no bounds, which it doesn't, I can move onto something else that will make me feel even worse, the Internet. Particularly, porn.
I never was introduced to sex by my parents in talks of "birds and bees", I think I found that sex was taboo, though I had HBO in my room late a night (though not as scandalous as Skinomax). I never understood it, and since I was a christian, AND from the south, sex and porn and anything like that was BAD!!! I even remember in seventh grade, or eighth, a guy coming in to talk to us about the dangers of sex and porn, how he was addicted to it and it was ruining his life, until he found God and blah blah blah; though now, I think I should have paid attention.
I mean, at first, it was just tv and victoria secret (thank god for those), then moved on to internet, when I discovered it. It was soo bad at times that I actually broke into school to look at porn (I actually didn't break in, I had access to the computer lab during school hours and I just left the window open so I could get in). This was my secret, my deep dark secret, that I look at porn and couldn't get enough. Though my secrets would add up tremedously. Later, and I don't know why, my dad meantioned gays at a rest stop and how they arrested some for meeting there. I don't know why, but him saying that peaked my interest, so one night, I went there, not knowing what I was doing there or what I wanted, but sure enough, a guy came in, and I think was either gay or was wanting some. I may have inticed him, but I did not let him do anything. At the time, I was like, "yes, I overcame it", but I kept coming back, I guess hoping that someone would do something...I don't know. I know from listening to people that sex was only for people that loved each other, maybe if someone wanted to have sex with me, that means I was loved, or someone actually found me attractive....
This behavoir did not end, at times it was just me doing something, but desired began to build and build as time went on, though my desires subsided when I had a girlfriend, but they began to surface when some desire weren't getting met (and I'm not talking about she didn't give me sex! We never saw each other out of school and I couldn't kiss her if we were out in public...all I wanted was to kiss her and hold her), I began to look elsewhere, flirt with other girls (apparently I am not subtle about it or are good at it, probably the first) so we broke up, and I was thinking, now I have a chance to meet women, but yeah right, like I would, me, go out and find a girl, charm her and be with her, now that's fiction.
And so college commenses. This is where it starts to get bad. I distract myself with the internet, porn, no big, but then it moved to chat rooms, and sex talk, and eventually cyber. This occupied lots of times during the night. But then, it moved into a place where I have found hard to get out of, chats with males, mainly gays or bis. And one night, I gave in and met one. Why, do you ask, I have no idea. Again, maybe the sex means I am loved things. No idea, or maybe, these guys said I was attractive, cute, funny, and wanted my body (though only for certain reasons) which I have NEVER heard from a girl, so I guess I was attraced, though not to them. This continued on and on as my life, grades, and school went down the toilet. Then I met M-lady, who has told me many times, that she had a crush on me for the longest time (I still have trouble with that, girls having crushes on me. I have I have had three at least, but still, I'm attractive...?).
You would think that this cycle of internet stuff would end with her, being that we did kiss lots among other things (though I found out that she also has had relationship/sex problems in the past that may have fogged her judgement with me), I still did it. I still go back to the internet. I don't know why; I still dont', I can only speculate. Maybe it is because I don't think I am worthy of love, or I don't think this will last, or because we had sex, I was bad and must punish myself, who the fuck knows!
So, back to what I was talking about, when I get stressed or faced with a difficult challange that I think I will fail, I do this internet thing, even though I love M-lady and know she loves me and know that she can and will help me, I still do it, because I still think I am bad.
I got Brick Walls all over the place, from Fear-Ultimate Failure-Distractions-Indulgance of Desires-Mind, Body, Soul Breakdown.
If anyone reads this, I know one of the first things that would be said - "You need help, go see a psychologist"; well my friends, I have, many times, doesn't help one bit. I don't know if I am going about it the wrong way, setting it up badly, not making my problems/goals clear enough, but it hasn't worked.
I know most of you think I do have an addiction to porn, but I don't. Addictions, to me, would let me do it when I am happy, I usually don't, or maybe I do if I need it to make me happy, but it doesn't. I think I do it to make myself feel what I am feeling if that makes sense. Or feel what I am thinking.
I know this all comes down to a self-esteem/confidence issue, but how do I fix that; how do I fix all of the problems I have created for myself? This is what I do not know. Oh, if you are wondering if this happens once it a while, it doesn't. This happens all the time when I am dealt with things that I think I will do bad at, or will fail at, like my finals. Maybe I think school is my problem, and when I am out of school, my problems will go away. Who knows, I know I don't, and I am wondering if you do either.
Do I just need to grow up, whatever that really means? Do I need to realize that I am just human and move onto the things I can control, and know that I cannot do everything well, but I do try, things will be fine????
THEN HOW DO I REALIZE REALITY?