Saturday, Aug. 13, 2005 | 11:49 P.M.
Too much left unsaid
It has been a while since I have graced this diary. Fear is the only thing I can say that has kept me from writing in it. I could say laziness, but I think fear of me saying that I have been lazy is the real reason.
The only news I can say that has changed is that I am moving to Arkansas here in 10 days. Central Arkansas area, namely Maumelle. I'm driving up on Monday to secure the apartment and all the other things that goes with getting a new place. Then I shall return back to Dallas to fully pack all things and get ready for our move on the 24th. Erin was transfered to her old store at her current rate, so that's good. But I am still without a job, and haven't have the focus or will-power to go and look for a job. I have seen jobs that I might be good at, but just haven't applied. I really don't know why. I'm afraid for some reason. Which seems silly since I am moving back into my home state, a place where I feel comfortable. A place where I have connections. And yet, I am hestitant.
I also believe I have lost touch with myself. I really don't know what that means, or how I would go about remeding this, but it's just a feeling. I'm going through papers and looking at my past, and it just seems like I have missed a step in life. And not necessarily in the professional category. Just me. I feel like I am missing apart of me.
I guess that in reality, I am still growing up, but it seems like most of society wants us to believe that we are adults when we get to a certain age, and if we don't act like one, then we are immature or somehow not being responsible. But hearing thoughts and actual life experiences from my family, most didn't even get to where they are now until they were 25-28; which, so happens, where I am now. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself, or not myself, but my image.
I miss things in life, things I used to do in high school. Singing, dancing, playing sports. I think I couldn't do these things in college or at least, have the same appreciation for them because I put extremely too much pressure on myself that I couldn't. Which is why I am struggling now. I stopped being daring in my music I listened to. I became too critical with my singing. I stopped dancing, or I should say, I stopped learning how to dance. I loved tap. I still do. I miss playing sports on a regular basis. Especially tennis. I actually felt I was good at it. I hope that I can change some of these things soon. Maybe I should have been a theater major or just done more in music and theater. I do love to act. I wish I started in high school.
I do remember in high school that people were surprised when I did something "out of character". Like sing in front of a crowd, or dance in front of a crowd. It's like they thought I didn't have it in me. People are still surprised about things I do, but moreso it was that I have a dirty mind. I guess I just have an innocent look about me.
I guess my expectation about where I should be are beginning to make me more recluse and avoidant of life and myself. I guess I am slow on life experiences, especially being an adult. It just seemed that adults had this view of what an adult should act like and present themselves. And I think that perception is clashing with who I really am.
I've also noticed that I am stopped writing about what I am thinking. I don't mean these surface questions, I mean more observational questions. I've been having them lately, probably for the lack of questions I've been doing these past few years.
I do know some things about me. I know I'm a fairly soulful guy. Probably why I love soulful music. Music is an extension of my emotions. I also like dance music, I guess because I like to express my happiness through rhythmic movements. I like r&b songs for their sadness when I can't express my sadness. I like pop when I am feeling good. I like rock when i am feeling thoughtful. I like hard music when I am feeling pissed. I like classical/opera when I am feeling introspective. I like musicals when I feel like singing. I think these express most of my emotions.
I know I am too hard on myself. I know that I worry about things I have no control over, and I stress about things I do have control over. Basis for all of these are this: I don't know how to let go of things.
And now, I don't know how to end this diary entry. Please leave me messages on my notes and my guestbook. It will help my fagile ego right now.