Saturday, May. 28, 2005 | 11:57 A.M.
Strange Place
I feel like I am in a fairy tale right now. Not like a Disney fairy tale, but more like a Brothers Grimm fairy tale. Things are a little too real that they seem fake. Almost like I am looking at the world through a window. I am apart of it, but at the same time, apart from it. I guess I don't know my place. That sure seems right.
I think I know why I haven't been writing in this thing lately. I don't know my place in this world. Everything seem trivial and small that it's not significant to describe. Work is work. God, is it work and mundane. I'm in such of a routine. It's not something I like, but it's not like I hate it either. I am just, not content, but just surrendering to it.
I was never really a competitve child with others, only with myself. I guess that is why I am soo introverted. I always pull within during the times I'm not comfortable with. A constant battle of what to do next and what is right.
I am at a crossroads in my life. I am 25 years old. I have been married for one year now. I have a job that pays well and have a new apartment. I guess I am growing up. It sucks really. It's like the responsibility has taken all the fun out of life. It's do this, and do that, and get this done, and get here on time, and go to bed at a reasonable hour, and do it all again. But it's not like I can do the things I used to do. I can't stay up all hours of the night. I can't eat all I want. I can't drink like a fish (I'm sure my parents are happy about that). I don't have the urge to go to clubs and all that night life. The only thing that I really want I don't have. Friends. I used to have friends in college where we can hang out all the time, but now, I don't know if it is me, but I don't have any.
How long have I had this diary? Just over 3 years now. I will say this, you should be glad that I didn't have this when I got to college. You'd want to either slap me or kill yourself. Or both. Man, I was in a bad place then. I'm better, alot better now. Erin helps me by being silly, which does help, tremendously. I'm silly, but in my own way. More verbal silly than action silly, like Erin can be.
I am wanting to watch Matrix, Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings for the religious, spiritual, and moral undertones. I think I need it. Find peace, laugh at yourself and the world. Be a wise person. Wise people are not intelligent, they know they are stupid. But they accept that. I want to know that I am stupid, but in a positive way.