Thursday, May. 19, 2005 | 10:11 P.M.
Why do I do bad things
I'm wondering that question right now. Why do I keep doing bad things? I do things that hurt me, hurt Erin, and just hurt my life, and why? Why, why, why?
For a while, it might have been for pleasure. It might have been for thrills. But now, it seems that those were only surface problems.
Let's go back to when I was 12. My mom picked me up from Church Camp and she wasn't feeling well. I kept asking questions as to what "light-headed" meant. God...if I knew then what that meant....
Anyways, we went grocery shopping. As usual, I was pushing the cart. As we turned into an aile (sp), I was looking at the condiments, when I felt a bump on the cart, and when I looked up, I saw my mom fall to the floor, lifeless. I ran up to her and froze. I didn't know what to do. It took someone coming over to snap me out of it. She told me to call for help, so I went up to the manager and told him what was going on, and then I called my sister at work, but she was out of town. Then I called my dad, and he was out of town. But the ambulance finally came from 2 blocks over, and all I could remember was one of the guys was black. I come from a town where there are no black people.
I blamed myself for the whole thing, and everyone said it wasn't my fault, and know one believed that I hit her, but I did. I wanted people to blame me for knocking down my mom, but know one would.
So I blamed myself for almost everything after that. I took alot of things personally, and hid alot of feeling from everyone. I didn't talk as much, and wasn't as open as I used to be.
Maybe that is why I do things now. I want people to blame me, which seems obvious, but I guess I want to have people see me as a bad person. I know all that read this will say I'm not, and I thank you for that, but I guess I am waiting for someone to say that to me, "You are a terrible person." No one has said it yet.
I don't do things as often, or as server as I used to, or take things as personal either, so I'm getting better, but I guess I can't let that part of me go. How can I? I mean, I can acknowledge that it wasn't my fault, but how can I make my mind believe it? It's more than just to say it, and even believe it; it is soo engrained into my mind and psyche that I don't know what will work.
I also realize that I type faster on a laptop than I do on a regular keyboard.
Alot has happened since I last updated. I moved, I got a new job, might be getting another new job, Erin got a raise, Erin's going back to school, I got a ticket. That pretty much sums it up.
I hope I don't come off as a victim here or as a person searching for pity; I don't think I am that person, but then again, I really dont' know myself well enough to know the difference.