Monday, Feb. 28, 2005 | 12:23 A.M.
December 2002
Sorry for this big gap in writing in this thing. I don't know why I stopped writing. Probably has something to do with I do not have lots of time at night anymore with Erin wanting to go to bed around 11. That's usually when we get home, maybe get something quick to eat and watch Friends/Family Guy. I'm usually not tired, but she gets mad, so I do it.
Like right now she is mad. It's pretty simple really. I piss her off with questions about myself, trying to discover myself. Basically taking test to, as she says, "categorize" myself. Easy answer is, I don't know myself. Harder answer is, I don't know myself. I really don't. I am always questioning my reality as a person, whether or not I like something or am I just doing it because of this and that.
I really need a way to type faster or something, because I have three subjects racing through my fucking head, and I can barely write this simple sentence down.
It boils down to I hate myself. I don't care if you are not suppose to hate anything, I do. I hate myself because I don't know anything about me. I don't know why I do things. I done things in the past that I have no explaination of why I did it. I can't use logic to describe why. Which is why I have probably because this person who insists on logic or structure or some damn thing to make sense of myself or life. Which is why I take tests. I figure if I take enough tests, I'll find something about myself that makes sense. Because I really don't want to be in this body or mind. I'd rather be imitating someone else or just be someone else.
I've been having some strange dreams the past three nights. The first one I am having a hard time trying to figure out what I dreamt, but what I do remember is I am in a school yard. I have a backpack around me and I have one eye closed (I think this is because I am actually trying to wake up during this, but my body won't let me). All of a sudden, I decide that I want to run, so I get my backpack and start running. I start of slow, but I begin to try to run faster. Then I try to run with longer strides. I try with each lunge to run with bigger and bigger strides. As I am doing this, I am passing people who say hi, or who are just looking at me. I keep doing this around and around the school yard until I wake up.
The next dream has to do with a classroom setting kinda thing. A speaker is about to come to discuss with the class, and the teacher is making sure we all understand what is to be expected, especially me. Apparently, I am her problem child. Always acting up in class. In real life, the only time I acted up was talking too much. Yeah, I used to talk alot, but that got yanked out of me. Well, the speaker came and he was talking to each student before he make his speech. It was an older guy. White hair, balding with glasses. Kinda short and round guy. Probably in his fifties. He finally comes up to me, and I don't know if he saw me talking to someone else or from a paper or what, but he says that he has seen my thoughts and work, and thinks that I will be great. He keeps going on about how I am a good person with a great mind that the world needs. While he's saying this, all I can think about is the teacher always keeping me down, and how I've stopped caring about school and reading. Now it is time to make his speech, and of course, I drift off. Next thing after his speech is that we are either driving Lamborgini's or using a remote controlt to drive them, but I keep running into things. The teacher thinks I am doing this on purpose, but I am not. It just seems like the car won't work and keep running into things, not matter how hard I try. So when it runs into another car, she comes to me and takes it away from me and scolds me.
My last dream has to do with work. I decided to go work for the car dealership again, but while there, I know I made a wrong decision. So one morning when I am suppose to work at both places, I decide to go to the dealership, but back out at the last second. I go into the dealership, but right when the meeting is about to start, I say I have to go to my car. When I get to my car, my sister comes up to me and asks what the hell am I doing leaving this job. Am I trying to mess up my life. And I have no idea what I am doing. I try to run away from her, but she keeps following me around berating me, and finally I snap and grab her and begin throwing her around. I think that I hear one of the guys from work look for me, I begin to run. Well, actually, I begin to hop on this bouncy thing away from him. But when I get to town (which by the way is Harrison, where I grew up), I get trapped into this, I don't know what, but this thing. Like a big play area from McDonalds and a put-put, where the towers are big enough to go into. I get trapped in there and everything there is beating me down. No matter how hard I try to get out, something beats me back down. I finally give up and start crying. I find a door that leads into an auditorium where I lay between the seats and start to cry again. Suddenly, students start coming into the auditorium for a ceremony or something, but I stay there, still crying. Well, like my second dream, there is a teacher, male this time, that is constantly on a female student, always putting her down. Because of this, things get restless and the principle comes in. He tries to settle everyone down, but can't. They wonder why there are here, and he says it is because of the new stadium being built. (It seems like I am back in my old high school, in Harrison, and the principal is my principal from Harrison). And how the stadium is costing 14 million dollars to be built and how they all need to get jobs to help raise the money. Well, the male teacher now gets mad at the principal about how it is the schools responsibility and he should pay for it. At this time, I snap out of my crying fit and stand up to confront this matter. As I do this, the teacher being to attack the principal and they go fighting down the stairs. I follow them and kick both of them in the head and knock them out of the auditorium. At this time, I go up to the podium and explain who I am and why I am hear. Then I tell the students about life as I have seen it. Basically that college was a waste of time, and it doesn't do any good with getting a job. It would be easier to get a job right out of high school and gain experiences through life, rather than college. As I am telling them this, all of the student begin to sit around me and listen to what I have to say. And that is all I remember.
As you can see, I have had alot on my mind lately. And, of course, all of it is questioning my life and where I am going and if I made the right decision and who I am as a person.
And on this bright note, here is December 2002 entry of the month.
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Reading this entry now, I do know why I do those things on the internet. Because it is readily available. I don't have to wait until something happens, someone comes home, or in the mood, whenever I want to, I can do it. Same with chatting or meeting, there is no I'm tired or any excuses, people are on there to have sex, why else. Not like it reality where everyone is closed up or so damn open that you run from them. Whenever I want it, like the snap of a finger, bam, it's there. It's not like I can go up to a woman, and in a matter of minutes, have her in a bedroom ready to have sex. I don't even think I can do that with my wife, but I know the online, that can happen easily.
I'm not a patient person. I say I am, but I'm not. I'm more patient with other people than myself, that's for sure. I am def. patient with my mother, because I feel I owe it to her to be. I know I have lost myself, who I really am, since I was 12. I know I have. I'm not the same, as far as acting that way I used to act. I'm more conservative with my actions now. I don't get excited, I don't show my emotions, I keep most things bottled up. I don't open up conversations with strangers. I don't do what I want to do, I'm not spontanious. And when I am, usually with my mouth, I get the strangest looks from people like I am a crazy bastard. Basically, in a few years, I will be beaten down enough where I will work perfectly in this world as a cog. Just another working device to make it run more smoothly.
Erin's now asleep. Asleep being mad at me because I wouldn't talk to her while I was writing in this thing. I feel if I have everyone mad at me, it will make my life easier. If everyone noted that I was a failure, then my life would make sense. Instead of now where people say I have such a wonderful mind and how smart I am and how I will be good for this world and how I can understand people very quickly as well as idea and how to apply them. Taking complex ideas and making them simple for understanding...and working p/t at a retail store with all my knowledge and gifts I have to give to the world.
I wish people who stop trying to pick me up, and start trying to put me down. At least it will go with what my head is telling me.