Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 | 5:01 P.M.
Things haven't been going well for yours truly.
Yeah, the title pretty much sums up everything. This month has been utter crap - finances, work, relationship- just everything. I really don't know how to get out of it either.
As far was work goes, I have been really thinking about finding another job. I really not happy at this one. I think I always had a feeling that I didn't belong here, but the last couple of months, I don't feel like I am getting any support from this dealership. When I started, I felt like they had my back, but now, I don't think they care anymore. I know it shouldn't matter to me, and it probably doesn't matter to them, but it does to know if something happens, they will help me out.
Now, if I do try to find out what I want to do, the thing is, I have no idea what I want to do. That, and I don't have the time and money. If I quit here, I will have the time, but not that money. So there you go. I'm kinda in limbo right now, which I do not want to be in. I went through this in my relationship with Erin two years ago, and that ended badly. I felt trapped in a place I don't want to be in, but have to out of necessity.
Really, I have no idea what I want to do. I don't think I have any way of knowing either. I mean, I have taken Career tests to find out which area would suit my personality best, but it still doesn't narrow it down, because there are soo many jobs out there that do not fit into categories. I mean, I would love to act for a living, and sing, and dance, but I don't know if I am good enough to do that. I definitly want to get out of sales, I know that. I liked my internship with the Attorney General. I know I want to help people in some way - probably not by giving them something to help their lives (that's selling). I don't know, Erin says that I should do Journalism because I want to seek the truth. I'm just baffled at what the hell I want to do.
Finances just kinda go on their own, so we really don't have to discuss that.
As for relationship...*sigh*...it's been shakey lately. I really don't know why. I know partially that it stems from work, but I know, or I think I do, it is coming on her side as well. I don't think I want to get into right now though...
I do know I am treated like a child. And by that, I mean people withhold info from me to keep me safe. They don't tell me things because I might get upset or overreact or in Erin's case, not react; show no repsonce. My dad didn't tell me, or I should say, call me when my mom passed out at home and had to be taken in a ambulance to the hospital. He decided to email me this info. I didn't know until Monday, one of the rare times I don't check my email on a multi-daily basis. I know why he did it, but it still pissed me off. I know Erin does this too. To me, whether I would or not, I want to know.
But I am. Right now, I am a scared little boy who doesn't know how things are going to turn out.