Thursday, Sept. 09, 2004 | 5:43 P.M.
I really HATE my life
Why would anyone hate, you say? That's easy! Because I see no way out of it. I don't see any way out of me working at this job, because I do not think there is another job out there that can guarantee me 3000 a month working 40 hours a week.
I hate my life because I cannot (or do not) want to change. And yes, I am talking about my marriage. I do not want to be this controlling stereotypical male in the male/female marriage relationship, but apparently, she does. I don't like controlling people or things, which is probably my problem. I don't like being the one to say you can or cannot do something. But at the same time, if you told me that, I would do it. So, I don't know where the fuck that leaves me.
If you ever want to watch something that is close to what I go through on a dialy basis, watch Suckers. And then imagine me as the lead character, because that is pretty close to how I would act. Constant pushing, constant haggling, constant negogiating, constant bitching, and constant dirty looks - after a while, you don't want to do this anymore, which is almost to the point I am at.
I want to get out of here. I feel stiffled. I want to go back to Arkansas. There are trees and scenery and roads and laid back...not this uppity bullshit that survives in Dallas/Ft. Worth.
Yeah, I'm not happy. I'm not happy with me, I'm not happy with my job, I'm not happy with my apartment, I'm not happy with my life right now. And it probably has to do with me not wanting to change. Now whether this change would be good or bad is still yet to be seen.
Yeah, it could all be me. Nothing else could be wrong with the world or even my life, it is just the way I am seeing it - as a threat. A threat to change me, and I don't fuckin want to do it.
So what should I do? I mean, if I do something because she wants me to, then she'll see it as something she made me do. If I don't do something...*sigh*
It's not just as simple as women think to be a guy, well, now. Now a guy must be multi-layered; a strong, masculine, protective man with a soft, caring, feminine side - and jesus christ if you are not the right one at the right time.
And who ever said that a woman cannot act like a man. I don't give a shit half the time if a woman tells me to do this or that.
But, as I see it, if she doesn't want to do something because it's not her, that's fine, I must adapt. If I don't want to do something because I don't see it as me, well, I better do it anyways. But that's me, I'm really selfish.
And I know I'm going to get some shit for this - "I shouldn't say these things on here about certain people, I'll get in trouble, blah blah blah." Isn't that what a fuckin diary is about? Saying how you feel and damn what everyone else thinks? Or is that just me being selfish again?
Yeah, I don't want to change. I don't want to change to a person that sells lots of cars. I don't want to change into a person my life listens to. I don't want to change into a person that makes alot of money. Why, you ask? Well, because I don't know what type of person that would be, or who that would be. Would that person still be me?
The only thing I know that has made me happy the last couple of days was math. Algebra III to be exact. Simplifying formulas. From x2+2x+1 to (x+1)(x+1). This is the stuff I understand and enjoy figuring out. Like 9x2+9x-18 to 9(x2+x-2) to 9(x+2)(x-1). I know this stuff and I get it and it makes me happy!