Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2004 | 11:05 P.M.
Life is a game - and I'm running out of lives
I've been told that periodically throughout my life. Life is a game, and the ones that understand it are the ones that succeed. I don't know if I understood it or if I chose to ignore it, but I never really played life's game. I didn't see the point in it, and I thought it was stupid. I still do for the most part. But...
I don't know. I think I am afraid of myself. I may have stated this before, but I think I am afraid of myself. Mainly at my success in life. I know this will sound weird, but I think I'm afraid at how successful I can become if I really push myself. I know I haven't really pushed myself to do much in life - again, didn't see the point. I got by and I am still getting by fine, but just things keep coming up questioning my ability to do better - my potential. It might be that I am afraid how good I can become, OR it may be that I would be visible, vunerable, exposed to everyone if I did become more successful, so I counteract that by not living up to my potential and just getting by. By putting myself down and staying just above the water, I keep myself safe ( though in real life, keeping just my head above water is no way near safe for me).
At the same time, I really don't know how to release my full potential into myself and into application. I mean, is there a way that I can, or am I just doomed to thinking I am better, and everyone else thinking I am better, but not? It is amazing how many people think I am this great person or this person with great potential that can breeze by any situal with ease and comfort. I am not joking on this, and I really do not see how or where they see this in me. I have no idea.
Maybe it makes more sense in my head to not be good than to be good. I don't know...I just think I'm fucked up and there's no cure for me - or it is just better for me to think this way....
(damnit, I was about to end this, and something else came into my head)
It could be that I am afraid of being all the things I wish not to be - manipulative, powerful, forceful, overbearing, selfish...always getting my way, and if I don't, doing everything in my power to get it. I also think that if vampires were real, and I was sired, I would be a very bad vampire. Bad in the sense of wrecking havoc. I do believe that if I didn't have a soul holding me back, it's kinda scary. I have caught glimpses of me in my head act this way, soulless, and it is unbelievable.
I know I hold myself back, but for what reason, I do not know.
I do know what will make me feel better, or I should say who...