Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2004 | 12:17 A.M.
An Earful
I might be talking about, I might not. I haven't really decided on that yet. Really depends on how quickly I make my point, points I should say. Well, that's saying I have a point, at least one, when I probably don't; just some quick assumptions that make sense to me and I just leave it at that. Anyways...
I don't understand people locking their diary, or for that fact, threatening to close their diary. Now I know I have done both, I just don't know why I said that. Well, I do, but to react that way didn't make sense. Well, it does, but it wouldn't if I really did those things. Well, it would, but ultimately, I think it would be stupid of me. It may be the fact that I don't have friends, family, whatnot, breathing down my neck checking up on me every second, and reacting to how I feel or speak either negatively or positively to my face. That's what hight school was for. So, in that sense, I really don't understand. If you have kept up, I pretty much say what I want to say. If I don't want to say it, it is because I really wouldn't say it to anyone else if they were right infront of me or on the phone. So this whole notion of hiding feelings and words from people to keep them off your back or keep them from getting pissed is just far-fetched for me. It is probably because I don't know many people care me enough to react in that way, so I just go on talking. (A year ago I would have said anyone instead of many people - see, I've gotten better). My advice, if you want to write, write. Really, fuck what you think you should write and write. Fuck what your friends think and write. If they get pissy, they are just going to get pissy. Many times, it really doesn't matter what you say, they are going to get pissy at something. But like I said, I don't have much experience in this people looking out for me in a obsessive way, so I may be just naive.
I also hate the past. I really do. Wanna know why? I can't let it go. Whether it be high school or now college, I always feel I must prove myself to my past to show it that I have done good and I am in the right position. I don't fuckin know why, I just do. I have no idea why I need to prove myself to anyone else, let alone my own damn past. And I get soo mad at myself for not acting or writing in a way that proves I am in a good place, rather than a shithole. I don't know why I care! Even talking about this is pissing me off. It's just soo fucked up, it's unreal. Worrying about how people percieve me from my past because I think they thought I would be further to my level or they think I am worth nothing - either way I have to prove that I am much more than they think, which really doesn't work because I don't know what I think of myself and if I am even in the right place in my life. How do you even know this answer?
My shoulder is killing me! I mean like sharp pains deep in my muscles, like a nerve is wrapped around a muscle or bone...aaahhh!!! Such pain!
My parents and family is in town, so I don't want to work, so I can spend time with them, but right now, I probably should be spending some time with Erin, and not on this damn computer....
And after all this, I'm still pissed...
There is something wrong with me.