Sunday, May. 02, 2004 | 8:53 P.M.
Part 1: The Emotion
I don�t know I am the way I am. Well, I know why I am, from my experiences in my life has made me the way I am. But I wonder if I am supposed to be something different, like I made a wrong turn somewhere down my life. Mainly I am bringing this up because of an episode of Angel that I have on my computer at home. It is where Angel (now Angelus) and Faith are fighting, and Angelus brings up the past where he tells Faith that she can�t change who she is, that she is a murderer and an animal. No matter how much she tries to burry those feelings, they will never go away, that is who she is. Now I know the context of this conversation is a bit off, but it does get me to thinking about myself.
I wonder sometimes I am soo passive with myself and with other people. I also wonder why sometime I just break and destroy myself and anything in front of me, basically hitting and throwing things. I don�t know if I am trying to compensate for being too passive or being too aggressive. Maybe I am both, but you do nt and how it is right now. Mainly my fault for messing it up. I am getting a bit frustrated with my car, and my job sometimes just drives me up the wall, and I just want to bitch slap everyone there. I know I am put myself into these positions of negativity and near hatred. Am I angry or frustrated that I am with Erin and I am about to sign a contract saying that I will be with her for the rest of my life�No. Christ, this woman makes me giddy half the time. She is just soo fucking goofy that it makes me smile. God, I have missed her these past days. No, it isn�t the sex I miss, but damn, I do. It�s not that I haven�t seen a naked woman in a while, though that is nice. I mean, just her being around me makes me crazy. She drives me crazy, and I love it. Is that crazy??
All I know right now, there is something not right in my life right now. I don�t know if it is because I am just not focusing on the present, and thinking too much about the future. I don�t know if I am not doing something that I am supposed to do, or I am doing something I am not supposed to do. I just don�t know. I just know that I am not completely happy right now. Maybe I just miss Erin too much right now. Maybe when I get married, I will be better. Maybe if I had internet and cable I�d be happier. I know I�d be happier if this apartment was clean and things were put into place, but I know that�s because I am too lazy to fix that. I also know that I need some time off to get my life situated. And I know that a day off to just clean up my apartment and clothes and stuff will definitely help, I know it did when I cleaned my car Sunday. I just need to clean out my trunk, and I will be good. There is just too much shit here at my apartment, that I really need to get rid of some stuff.
At what point do we need to get rid of the past, whether it is in memory or thought or in physical possessions? I know when I hear certain songs or albums that I haven�t heard in a while, they bring me to a time when I did listen to them and usually a time and place when I was actually listening to the song. Do I just give up this CD or song, or do I keep it because it holds a strong enough place in my head and heart to remember 5 years down? Same with clothes, items, papers�anything�when do we get rid of these things? Yeah, I just really need to get rid of some things�.
I put too much importance into things�I know this, but you know, I don�t like changing, so I usually stick it out till I have to. And thus I am angry or depressed.
Okay, I don�t think I can continue. I am about to fall asleep right now. And I haven�t even started cleaning. Like I said, I need a day to do this. For some reason, I don�t like doing stuff at night, unless it is fun. If it is cleaning, I�d rather wait until daylight hits. I don�t know why, I just have the motivation when the sun is out.
Well, I think I will go now, and hopefully Erin will not kill me. I do love her � extremely.
April 20, 2004
12:08 AM
TO BE CONTINUED...