Sunday, Jan. 25, 2004 | 11:49 P.M.
Do I have a life anymore?
Cherish these entries now, because I have no idea when I will be updating anymore. With the VW job, I work an avg of 53 hours per week, Monday through Saturday. And, if I get to keep my other job, that is an extra 10-20 hours per week, so I'd be working roughly between 60-70 hours per week. Not much else to do than eat, sleep, and go to work. Granted at work there will be times when I have nothing to do, so I might stop in there and write something...ooo...I might have a talley on here to show how many cars I've sold...or not...I don't know.
You know, from reading people's diaries and reflecting upon my own life (as I often do), I begin to wonder if any of us really utilitze or even know our true talents? I know I've heard so many times that I have talents, if I would just use them or have confidence in them. For the most part, I can see what they are saying, but here is the kicker for me; for some of these talents they say I have, I can't see them. Now, that may be the cause of low self-esteem. But I also think they if something is truly special about us, a true talent, it is very difficult for us to see because it is apart of us. It is soo much engrained in our minds and personalities that it nothing more than just being ourselves. You know you've seen these award shows where the winners thank people for giving them the chance, or inspiring them, or seeing their talents...I mean, does it take another person to push you out the door to make you see your talents?
Even if you do see your talent, can you actually use it in a practical way? For some, it is easy like a singer or a writer, but what about the others, the rest of us? To say you are great with people leads us to areas that are vast and not even of our interests? I mean, there has got to be something for the rest of us. *I am letting my mind take over right now - if this doesn't makes sense, it is my mind's fault* How can we apply our talents? Right now, I am working as a salesman at it's core. For most, being a good salesman is being good at reading people and talking; others thinks it is a cunning nature and a cut-throat attitude. So, does that mean that is what I am if I am a good salesman - both of those things? I would like not to think that I am cut throat...I can't stand people who are, which are most in this business - money money money, that's all they want and care about, but I guess deep down we all do, but don't like to think we do. Very few of us can be totally dependent of money, at the same time very few independent of money. I don't care if I make lots of money here, like 6 digits or even 50k, I really don't. I don't like to make money my focus. Money already gets me into a mood that is scary. I like to know that I am helping people, which could be just a tactic in my head to convince myself that I am doing something worth while, and not just greedy and completely capitalistic.
I don't know if I am still thinking with just my brain, but if I am, just bare with me. I know I did for a second there - felt like another person was taking over my body, I was almost in a trance state...kinda weird.
Yeah, well, I think I am going to head to bed. Work tomorrow at 11.
Oh yeah, I think I do have a natural...how do you say...affection with women. I know that I flirt, but there are guys who flirt to get something, then there are guys who flirt to achieve something. I don't know if that makes sense, but there you go. I think I can charm a decent amount of girls, why, I don't know, b/c I have. On purpose you ask, no, not really, just me talking. Probably don't see me as a threat, and my witty charm as cute as well as my face, and they just go "aaaawww". Maybe it is me being an Aquarian, but who knows. I don't think I can do that with guys, if I can, not in the same way - which is why they probably see me as weak, but hey, in the end, more girls will like me than that guy who has all the guys attention, and in the heterosexual world, what is more important I ask you? Yeah, it is probably same sex respect, oh well.
Guys want detail, girls want fantasy - what will this do to me. Guys want how fast from here to there, will it do this and that. Knowing people is a key to selling.
**You see what happens when I let my mind take over - I get all jumbled. Now you know what I don't let my mind take over - I just start saying random shit...**
I wonder if someone could write a book or a short storey (that's big of me to say) about what I have said on my diary. Kinda the Toa of Chadwin, philosophy of a confused boy. I'm sure if some of you that have enough time ( I sure as hell don't ) might take up this quest, I on the other hand, think nothing actually - damn brain took over again - okay...seriously, if I keep this up, I can write all night. I'm being serious now. So, yeah, night all, and uhm...see you whenver the hell I can.
Shit, I almost forgot, I sold my first car on Saturday.