Tuesday, Jan. 06, 2004 | 12:18 A.M.
*sigh* yeah...I'm here
I don't know if it is me not leaving my room much or it is why I am in my room soo much. I'm getting toward that depression mode that I fear most. And the "depressing" thing about all this, I know it is coming, and I don't know how to stop it.
I know this feeling has been lingering for a while with the whole me not having a solid job, and now me worrying about money, which is never a good thing, on top of that wondering where in the hell my life is taking me - basically lost in reality with no direction. Knowledge is power, b/c I am freaking out with not knowing my path.
One solid note of my case, I guess if you want to call it solid, is an article in Parade magazine that Erin told me to look at. It basically says that because of the abundance of choices, people are more depressed than when there were fewer choices. The reason being is that some people have this desire to find the best or perfect choice for them to make their lives better. In this task, they make it almost impossible to make a decision and ultimately, become depressed.
They had a test to take to see how much of a "maximizer" (someone who seeks the best choice) I am. Well, I am pretty damn strong maximizer. I won't settle for second or good enough, I want the best.
I don't know if all this is true, but I know one thing, not having a path or destiny or vision or direction has made me very weak. If that is because of soo many choices I can have for a career, okay. If is just me being lazy, alright. I don't know why really. I just know that I am not happy.
I know in my head that I think money or power or bigger, better things will make me happy (the money for getting rid of my debt), but I know that isn't the real reason I am so unhappy. I don't know where I am taking myself and it's driving me crazy. I've had visions of contentment and happiness. It was when I got married, it seemed during that time, my life made sense, had direction, had purpose, and I was truly happy. I don't think it means marriage is the answer, it might in my head, I hope not.
By the way, everyone out there needs to go out and get the new Musiq album Soulstar. It is great and I've been listening to it none stop. It is only 9.99 at Best Buy, at least it was when I got it a day or so ago.
My favorites are: Forthenight, Whoknows, Missyou, and Thereason.
I thought about this today. There are probably three things that I cannot live without, besides food and water that would keep me alive. I'm talking about three things that keep me sane. One is comedy. I would be a far more serious person if it wasn't for comedy. Comedy made my childhood bright and comedy keeps me smiling today. Two is music. Not hearing music, I mean, just thinking about it, is scary. Music helps me go through my emotions that I am afraid to go through by myself. It is almost my spirituality. I just wish I could compose or write music, then it would be my poetry. And lastly, Erin. I don't think I could live without her, definitely without ever knowing her. She really has kept me grounded and god, does it feel good to hold her. I really shouldn't be sad because I have her....I really really shouldn't. I feel this is selfish of me to be sad for what all I have...but then comes in the self pity for being sad when I should be happy...I think too much really, which is why I love music and comedy. My mind, active and talking mind, shuts off and just listens and enjoys.
Which is what I'm going to do right now...