Thursday, Jan. 01, 2004 | 11:56 P.M.
Well, here I am
I notice that I say the word "well" alot. No real comment about that, just noticing it.
I am now living in Plano, TX. I have a room and everything. My own room - feels kinda weird living here. Reason is the room that I am in is like a guest bedroom - kinda out of the way, next to the garage, has it own bathroom - almost feels like my own wing in the household.
I am really tired right now. Probably has to do with the fact that I've been going to bed before 12 the past few days (new years eve not counting).
Speaking of new years eve, I got pretty drunk, so drunk I couldn't sleep. You know when you are drunk and you lay down, there is usually one side that make the room spin, and the other not soo much; well for me, if I stood still, the room spun. When I closed my eyes, it really span. I was about to break down because I wanted to sleep, but I decided that I should go ahead and throw up. And throw up I did. And did I feel better after doing it. I actually went to sleep and slept pretty well. Kept waking up every so often, but a restful sleep nonetheless.
The room I'm in is pretty much in shape and livable. Don't know if it feels like my room, but that may just come with time.
I asked Erin this the other day, if I get sentimental on big occasions. I don't think I do, and I was wondering why I don't. She came up with that I have already came to terms with the situation and ready to move on, OR, I haven't even fully contemplated the situation and it will hit me later when i am knee deep in it. I don't know.
I think I am running out of things to say here, so I will pause to see if anything comes up, because I think there are other things I want to talk about...just can't remember what.
*Pause*
Yeah, that was a long pause.
I'm still without a job. It's getting to the point where I am questioning my degree - whether it is worth anything. I'm also still trying to figure out what in the hell I want to do with my life. It really is hard for me to just go out and find a job, work that job and while working there, find a career that best suits me. I don't know, I just feel that's dirty. I don't give a shit if that's what people do or the best way, I feel bad thinking about that route.
I'm good with numbers, apparently I can sell, people tend to like me (co-workers and/or customers), I am a good worker, I work hard to achieve whatever goal is set for me (personally or professionally), I want to help people, I want to be around people, but I also want to be isolated at times, I have a BA in Politics and completed an internship with the Attorney General. Now, where does this all lead me to? Law, Government - what, hell if I know? I don't know how to find jobs. And I don't knwo what I am looking for.
Is it wrong that I don't want to use my college degree? Then why did I pursue it? I had to basically. Nothing less would have been right. I wouldn't mind becoming a massage therapist or a writer of some sort as I've been told I write like I am having a conversation with someone, namely myself (only makes me appear crazier). I want escape. And I feel like having a career/lifestyle that is not follow the trend of upward movement might make me happy, but am I throwing everything away because I can't "buck-up" and just face the damn music and follow my respsonsibility to help my fellow man by sitting at a computer/desk and helping people....
Happiness is the key. Hey, if I can be happy with a shit job, then good for me. I just need to know what is making me unhappy. Is it really money and my jobless life, or is it something else?
Will I ever know?