Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003 | 1:16 P.M.
I can't let myself be happy or optimistic
I always create bad things in my head. I know my misery is my fault, but it is not like consciously I am thinking about things that will stop my happiness, it just happens. And it doesn't stop when I stop thinking about it, or talk to myself that I am only stressed or anxious, no, that's doesn't help because the feelings and emotions I was eminating when I was thinking those bad things are still in my head and affecting my body. So now, I have to do with these emotions that have no basis for being there. It might seem easy to get rid of these emotions since they have no ground for being there, but they fester inside me and basically, make me miserable.
Let me let you in my head and show you what I am talking about.
I have some things right now that I am worried/nervous/anxious about. One is the fact that Erin is moving back to Dallas. She was transfered from the North Little Rock store to the Mesquite store, she is still an assistant manager. Mesquite is a city about 20 miles outside of Dallas, basically on the way to Dallas from Little Rock. Her first day of work there is Dec. 8. She will be leaving to move in with her parents will be either Dec. 6 or Dec. 7. She is only going to stay with her parents for about 1-3 months, just to save up money to find her own place.
*I know that I am sounding like we broke up, we didn't. Sorry for making it sound that way.*
Well, I knew we were going to move out of this apartment when I got a steady job, but that has fallen through the cracks. Now with Erin going to Dallas, means I need to start looking for a job down in Dallas. Problem with that is, since I actually do have a job here, though only part time, I can't just take off down there and check out all the jobs, I am submitting my resume on all of those job search engines. Mainly looking at banking jobs, but also extending myself to any job that I think I am qualified for and will set me up for an interview.
Now, where will I be living when I move out of this apartment? Well, Erin's parents invited me to live with them until we can get a place of our own. They said they would convert the computer room into my own room for the time being. Some of ya'll might think I am crazy moving in with my future in-laws, but they are the ones that suggested I do that. I don't want to, because I would be imposing, but it's either that, or live here by myself until I can get a job here, then transfer to Dallas and then find a place, so it seems more sensible to move in. I do not expect us to live there longer than March 1.
I've talk to my parents about this, and I don't think they seem too thrilled. They give me this, "It's your life" crap, which to me means, "It's your life, if you want to screw things up and make the stupid decisions, by all means."
So, I am doubting whether I should go or not. But the way I am have been looking back on my life, it is almost like I HAVE to go. At birth, I went from one mother to another. After I was able to grasp the basic funttions of a human, we moved to Harrison. While at Harrison, I recieved my education. From K-12, I learned and studied and made friends. After I graduated, I went to college in Conway at Hendrix College. This is where I recieved my higher education training. Now, after I graduated there, I need to move into my new environment, which naturally means, I need to move. So by progression and evolution, Dallas in my next stop. Each of these steps (though I cannot account for all, just assume) when it came close to time to move on, I wanted to move on, and after I moved on, I struggled and wanted to be back to where I was. And usually somewhere in between, I made a big mistake or caused my parents strife. For instance, in 5th grade, made a big scuff with the teachers there. My second year of college, I took a leave. So, yeah, I need to move to Dallas to find my next step, which is either a career or getting familiar with the work force.
Yeah, that is one of my anxieties, it also doesn't help that I am very impressionable and I listen too well what people say. Since that only way right now I can look for jobs is through the internet, and I've been told that the internet is a bad place to get jobs since these places look at the internet last for their candidates, I, of course, took it personally and saw it as another way I will never get a job and be a failure. Me not getting a job, in my head, is failure. I should be getting a job. I should already have a job. I should know what I want to do. Yeah yeah, I know - I don't need to know, I need to explore and find out - well, it ain't making me moeny now, isn't it?!?!
The other things is the wedding. We are still keeping it in Conway at Greene Chapel, but it really isn't the wedding that I am worried about, I am worried about my family, especially on my dad's side. I cannot remember the last time they were all together. I know one definite time was during my dad's 50th birthday party, but that was nearly 14 years ago. I think 8 years ago, they all got together for my cousin's wedding, but from then until now, they have been a perpetual fight. I am both anxious and angry that they will be in a fight against each other. Now I remember the last time they all got together, it was my grandmother's 90th birthday party. That was a year and a half ago. That's when more feuds happen. People getting drunk, things being said. I don't know what happened, but it just pisses me off.
I don't understand people never speaking to each other. I am probably naive in this category, because the way it seems, everyone around me has someone they do not speak to. I, on the other hand, do not. So, I don't know what that makes me. I just dont' get it. I don't get what someone can to do me that will hurt me soo deep and soo painful that I refuse to ever speak to them again, especially if it is family. I don't understand. Then again, I am probably just naive and uneducated.
I never really spoke back to my parents. Okay, I lie, I did, but I never got into fights with them. I don't think ever. I think everyone has been in a fight with my parents, but I dont' think I have. I just never spoke up. Then again, I never really spoke up against anyone that was above me. And I think all that anger and emotion I have been keeping inside me all these years is ready to bubble up to the top. I am soo scared that someone will say something that will piss off someone else and in my mind, ruin my wedding. Because, in my head, it's my fucking day. Put your personal shit out the door and enjoy the fact that I am getting married to someone I love, not that fact that your sister and making a face at you and you hate their kids, none of this pety stuff. This should be a day of celebration, not of anger, and I fear that if that happens, I'm going to loose it. There really has been very few days about me, so I know I try to make sure things go well.
I keep having fights with my family in my head every day, and I get more and more angry every day. I don't know what I can do and it is driving my crazy. It is starting to affect how I very others, that something they say will trigger more visualizing fights with them in my head. I don't like fights. I've heard how my parents fights...it isn't good. Fighting makes me nervous, anxious, and I feel trapped. Fight or Flight response - I flight until I can't move, then I fight.
I wish I could look on the bright side of things. I really do. Like the fact that I am getting married to a wonderful woman, and not the fact that I may be upsetting my parents, I don't have a job, and I feel like a failure. I can see why I wanted to commit suicide before - to shut up my mind. Why else would you shoot yourself in your head?
This is why I get discouraged, this is why I stop trying, this is why I give up - I don't see the light at the end of the tunnell, only prepetual darkness.
Just pray for me. That's all I can say right now. I'm going to take a shower now. Maybe some warming drops of water will sooth my body enough to help ease my soul.
p.s. It is 3:06 PM now.