Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 | 1:20 P.M.
Sometimes, I hate writing in this thing
Why do I write in there then? Why do I hate writing in here? That's easy.
I hate opening up.
Why do I hate opening up?
I think there are two reasons for that: One being I hate opening up -subtext-I hate seeing what I am thinking. Yes, it is basically beating myself up for thinking or feeling the way I do, like a dad/coach/leader from the 50's would say to you - be tough, don't be a sissy, you're a man, no emotion-things like that.
The other reason I hate opening up is the fact that other people are seeing/hearing/feeling what I am saying about myself or my feelings/emotions-basically, their reaction.
I feel naked/vurnerable when I am telling someone how I feel. And the natural reaction (at least in my mind and from experience, granted this comes from jr. high and high school) is to see that I am weak and exploit me for all I'm worth.
Also, I hold myself back. I know I have probably said this before recently, but I do. Reason being is I do not let go. I don't know how to let go.
Reason I am bringing all of this up is Lindsay has been watching Fight Club, and I've been watching with her. Basically, since I am visual and right brained (what is right brained again?), I see myself as Edward Norton's character and Brad Pitt (Tyler) is who I want to be. If I was an insomiac and had a screw loose in my head, I could probably do the same thing that Norton's character did.
I don't let go, I want control, I want people to like me, I want things to go my way, I want alot of things in my life, now is that being selfish - probably. Am I thinking that life should be handed to be personally - no, but maybe yes subconsciously.
I make life hard on myself, I don't mean to, but I think I expect everything to go the way I want them to. I expect too much from myself - I know this, but I cannot let this go.
It just seems that everyone else's life is better than mine. And I am just doing something wrong with my life.
I am understanding all this and I shouldn't hold myself back from making friends, being nice, opening up - and not have this god damn fear with me everywhere.
How do I let go?
How do I loose my fear?
How do I be myself?
-if I don't who I am?
And the big one...
Who am I?
I'm fucked up, man...