Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 | 12:29 A.M.
I fear myself
I don't know how long this entry will last...and I don't know if this will be the last entry on this subject, a strange subject that it is.
Yeah, I think I am afraid of myself. Why, you ask? I don't think I really know. Of what, you ask? I don't think I know that either - or I may know both, but afraid or unwilling to disclose it.
I think I am afraid of my potential, what I can make of myself, what I can become. The closest thing I can compare this to (as shaky as it is) is during Buffy The Vampire Slayer, after Willow tries to destroy the world, when she is afraid of what will happen if she tries magick again, then later when she tries powerful magick. Not saying, that myself, I am afraid of doing magic, no no. But maybe the reason why she was afraid - turning evil.
Do I think I will turn evil? I don't think I would go that far, but do I think I might abuse...I don't know...my powers. I think I have always feared this, and I don't think I have an instance of why I think this. I could say from seeing what others have done, but I don't think that is definitive enough.
Why do I bring this up now? Well, when I was driving back from NLR today, I was just thinking about my potential. And that I am a very visual person. I visualize situations in my head - scenerios, events, tasks - I think I have always done this. When I read a book, I visualize watching it, when I see a movie, I visualize myself in the movie, before I talk to someone, I visualize the conversation, when I am about to do something, I visualize completing it or doing it well - this is what I do. And I don't know what came over me, but for some reason, I began putting this on such a grand scale that I began thinking much like the movies Star Wars and The Matrix. The whole free your mind, the mind is a powerful tool, you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it...all that, and began thinking about moving objects, stopping objects, controlling objects, having object appear at will. Now all this is fine and dandy in the, yeah, that would be cool, area, but for some god awful reason, I actually thought I could do these things because of how powerful my mind is. I don't know if I was losing it or what.
Then I began thinking how I could do anything I want, gain anything I want if I was in the right frame of mind: being powerful, control people - not by controlling people's mind or event, no no, more like being very charasmatic - women wanting me, men wanting to be me thing. How, if I wanted to, have any woman I want because the control I had over my mind and how I could be soo charming. Gaining power because I know I would be respected and have control over event.
Yes, this may be what people want from themselves, a sense of belonging and desire, but I don't know why, but this scared me about myself. That, for some reason, I KNOW I am capable of this. I could do this and it would be easy. And, I guess, that much power is...well...bad.
I fear going too far. Not having limits. Because, I think, I push limits. I want to know how far I can go without causing trouble to others or myself. Without limits, we can't be controlled. Without control, there is chaos.
I'm afraid I will go too far.
Which is why I hold myself down. I keep myself from becoming, in essense, happy. I don't push the envelope, at the same time, I do. Basically, I don't trust myself.
I also believe that our minds have more control over our lives that we might think. I don't know why, but our minds might control the way we look. For instance, if we think we are ugly/fat/unattractive, our minds might contort our bodies in that image. If that is true, one of two things will happen, when we do achieve that fact that we are attracive, our minds will allow our body to go to a more attractive look that we see, or we will overcome the obstacles we set up for ourselves.
I don't know really. These are just some thoughts from a man who probably thinks too much. And, to much of his humility, a man who loves and hates his own thoughts.