Monday, Oct. 06, 2003 | 12:58 A.M.
I think I am starting to understand...
Why I keep this diary, or why I have this diary.
See, I am not a person to open up on how I feel/think about something. I don't know why, but that is how I've become. Because of that, I think I became more and more reclusive, not opening up with my feelings and emotions. Then comes along my diary, this diary. At first, I think, I was just like, "Hey, I have an online diary - blah blah blah." Then I started stating what was on my mind. Deep thoughts on how I feel and think. Then came diary reviews. So I began falling into what they liked and said. After a while, I didn't know what I was doing. This lasted for about, oh I don't know, 6 months. I was kinda lost at why I was keeping this diary. A couple of times I thought about stopping the entries. So that leads me to now.
I was talking to Erin about what I was going to write about and when I sat down to write it, I didn't want to write anymore. I know that it sounds stupid of me to finally figure this out of why I keep a diary. Why the hell else would anyone keep a diary than to put their thoughts down. But, of course, I try to complicate things. I thought I needed deep stuff, probably to impress people. Yeah, sad, I know.
What I was going to talk about, I will go into briefly.
I don't like people being nice when they are mad/upset/angry/whatever. The "kill them with kindness" approach. Never liked it, never will. It just seems like a way of showing the other person that you a bigger person than they are because you are being nice to that person rather than yelling your head off. The thing is, it is obvious. I don't think you are fooling anyone, though you may think you are. I'm not saying that you should just let loose on everyone, but I don't think you should just act nice around someone, but you weren't aren't. Maybe it is more of the passive aggressive attitude that is becoming "cool" as the kids say. I may be a hipocrite right now, but that's just the way I feel. I'm not going to rip someone's head off because I don't like them, but I'm not going to be extra nice to them either, or this "whatever" attitude, like and stuff.
I think I might be making my decision on my templet tonight. I might have it up either tonight or sometime tomorrow. Hopefully, I will be hearing word about job opps or about my resume or be going out and finding jobs. Got my clothes cleans, meaning all of them, so yeah. Money is nice.