Thursday, Aug. 07, 2003 | 5:31 P.M.
wisdom is infinite - and infinitely difficult to obtain
I really wish that I had to knowledge and wisdom for me to go about the day and not worry about the trivial things that get in my way. And I also wish I had that same knowledge and wisdom to help others who are having a difficult time dealing with their lives. Doesn't help that when I read many of ya'lls diaries, I either want to help, discuss, or...well, do something. Seems most of you have or are dealing with things that either I have dealt with, been dealing with, or have thought about how to deal with - so I want to help out. But it seems to get me very talkative and animate and it pissed of Erin, so I'm not allowed to worry about others who seem to need some words.
You have all heard about, seen, or been talk to about how your problems are not the end of the world, or big problems, you are only making them big. Then whoever is talking to you tells you about their experience or someone they know or about people around the world that have problems far worse than you or worse than you can ever imagine. Then you are left to think about your problems, how big they are, and how do deal with the fact that people do have bigger problems than you.
Am I the only person who thinks that this choice of persuasion to make you most past your problems is a catch-22? Okay, on one hand, you can think that yeah, my problems are not big, I am just making them big. This problem won't kill me, kill someone else, or cause me to be without the basics. I should not worry soo much about it and most past it (the way we should think), but doesn't it sound like to you (I know it does me) that your problems do not matter at all. Your problems are insignifant to the troubles of the world, so why have these problems? So you ignore your problems completely b/c they do not matter, or you get mad and start asking angrily why your problems do not matter. Because these people are worse than you, does that mean you problems have no merit? It seems to me that it is.
I had this problem for a long time (still do) when someone told me how they have had terrible problems in the face of my little problems and how I was making them too big than they actually were. I know now what they were trying to tell me (this is a big problem, yours is small - look at it that way), but at the time, I was thinking they were saying that this is a problem, you are stupid of even thinking that your problem means anything and that anyone would care.
We get very defensive about how we think, act, feel, or anything that we consider "us" or apart of us. I don't know why. I know I do when someone makes fun of how someone dresses, a band, a movie, or anything that I like or do - I get upset and think that they are attacking me. Why I do this, really, has no logical thinking involved.
Also, why are we so damn embarrassed about getting embarrassed, especially by our parents (though I am not so inclined to do so). Why do people think their parents are so dumb, stupid, and just something there b/c they have to be. You know, most likely, if they weren't there, neither would you. I am adopted yes, but if my parents didn't adopt me, I could be dead. Why, maybe our friends will see us and laugh. Yeah, and if they are your friends, they will forget about it, or will respect if you do not like hearing about it (I know I bring up anything funny or embarrassing about someone - just fun to do, only b.c I like the person). We all have parents in some form or another, we all get embarrassed by them, and if you think about it, they get damn embarrassed by you! But, of course, we never think about that - we are acting our age, why should they get embarrassed. They should be more mature than that.
Here is the thing, maturity is a myth. It doesn't exsist. Someone is never ever mature. They may act mature, may know how to present themselves in a mature fashion, but it is only an act. They are acting mature. That's all we can do have the time: act mature, act happy, act sad - very few things are definite. So stop trying to act an age and just be yourself. An 80 year old can more more immature than a 12 year old. It doesn't really matter. It is all about persecption and knowing when to act a certain way.
Most of us think, "I'll act this way b/c that is me and everyone can just stick it." Yeah, like it or not, there are always rules to be followed, guidelines to look at, and control over us. We cannot escape control. Go ahead and try. Won't happen. We cannot do everything we want, when we want. It is impossible. Even if we get far away from people and are isolated, the weather still controls us. The moon, the sun, the earth still controls when and where we can do things. Always control, so get over it.
Relationships are funny, you know. They are just weird. No logic about them, though we want logic and understanding soo damn bad. No one understands us, we think, and if someone does, they are exceptional. No, they are not, we just opened up. It may not be spilling out our feelings for hours, but a look, an emotion, we let something out that normally we wouldn't because we like being misunderstood so we can bitch about how no one understands us and if THEY would only listen, they would - no. If we would only open up, they would. Hell yea it is scary to open up and get crushed because of it. But we are not a turtle or a clam or an ostrich, we are humans. It's cliche but, what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.
Age doesn't mean wisdom. Just because someone is older doesn't make them wise. Some of the most wisest people are kids. They see things differently. Age may mean experience, but unless we learn from time, we have no wisdom. Things move on, people come and go, hearts get broken, love is lost, love is found. Don't hold too tight to someone, but do let them lay loosely at your side. Life is a balance, our life is the ultimate balance. Without balance, we fall, trip, skid, stumble, wobble - cannot move forward. Yeah, we get knocked off course, we can't always be balanced.
Very few things are really stupid, dumb, slow, fast, smart, fun, boring - all those words we use to describe things in the most simpliest terms. It is good to be simple, but it can sell us short and sell anything we look at short.
Why do we put soo much stock in others? We say we don't care - but we do. Why do we dress the way we do? Because it is us and we want to be ourselves, unlike anyone else - but that's nearly impossible to do. There are been...what...1 trillion people that have lived on this Earth, how many of those have been truly individuals; seperate from everyone else...very few. So why do we worry about being like others, when most likely, we are?
This entry wasn't meant to be the answers to all our questions. Nor was it meant to poke at people that act certain ways. These are just observations I have made about others and myself through various mediums. I think we all seek happiness, love, and a sense of belonging. I'm sure, if we don't try but try, we can find these things easily enough with some difficulty.
I think the buddhist have it pretty together with their paradoxes. Remember Neo, there is no spoon.