Friday, Aug. 08, 2003 | 5:50 P.M.
Words of wisdom that go astray
I have been thinking about what I wrote in my last entry, and what I missed or what I didn't explain correctly. From the comments I have recieved from people, I remembered one element that I forgot to add.
You have all heard the phrase, "there is always someone out there who is better than you." I think it is there for you to stop worry about being the best, because you can't. Well, for me, I think it is a stupid saying. For me, I want to be the best. Maybe not so much (anymore) to strive for perfection, but to be the best. Now, I know people have told me that just do the best I can, and that will be good enough. Problem is, with me, I do not think my best is good at all. Quite frankly, I think I am pretty shitty.
Now, the way I look at it, when someone tells me that phrase, it doesn't bring about a sense of relief, but a sense of "why try if I cannot be the best. my best isn't good enough, so yeah, why try." I know what they are trying to say now, but it doesn't help me when, in my mind, I am thinking these things. There are numerous other sayings that are suppose to pick you up off your feet and get you going, but all it does to me is depress me more and not want to try to do anything. Why accomplish something is someone else will do better than you and get more recongnition.
AH HA! I think what it all boils down to is my desire to be recognized for something by lots of people, not just the people I know. I want to be known for something. I think this is most people's dream, but maybe it isn't. I know that stage fright is up there with death - what people fear most. For me, it isn't stage fright, unless I have no idea what I am doing or saying while on stage - sort of ad lib, unless I am supposed to ad lib, then I might be fine. I don't know why people have stage fright, well, I do, but I have more fright on a smaller level than a larger one. It is still the same stive for perfection and excellence that work on both levels. Maybe I think I get lost in the mix on stage, or more people will see me, so I do better. I don't know.
I wonder why I stress the way I do. Is it from some past experience that has made me act or think this way? Is it out of fear of something like rejection? I really don't know sometimes, which for me, makes it harder for me to move past it, if I truly can. What does that mean, move past it? How can you move past something, how can you accept something? I have no damn idea what that means - thus I don't move past it.
Just silly somtimes. I better go.