Tuesday, Aug. 05, 2003 | 9:40 P.M.
Can men do right, if women do no wrong
Do women ever do anything wrong in a relationship? Really, do they? Either controlled by men, so they are not in power, or do what they want, and exercising their power to do what is right for them, where does that leave men? Are men just here to worship women? Do men even need to think they can control a relationship?
What do women do wrong? You always see a girl getting mad at a guy for doing something stupid, and rightfully so, says many; but you see a guy getting onto a girl and you think that he is trying to control her natural feminity that is trying to be free. So, I say again, can men do anything right? Are we always the ones to blame for all the problems? Are we the ones that must make up for all our mistakes? Are we the ones who must clean up after any messes that go down? Are we the ones to blame when things go wrong in a relationship?
Must we make things happen for happiness to rise? Must we always make our woman happy? If so, is just us having a woman enough for us to be happy, that we are in their lovely presence that anything less than perfect is unaccetpable?
I say again, can women do wrong? If they cheat, it is for a reason. If a man cheats, he is being a man. If a woman leaves, it is for a reason. If a man leaves, he is being a coward.
I am tired of seeing shit on the TV about stupid men doing everything wrong and women always having the answers and always doing right. Yeah, I know there are some TV shows that show the opposite, but not many I don't believe, at least, I don't watch those.
I seem to bring all the problems in my relationship. I have no idea what she brings. I don't know that she does any wrong. I feel I am the only one that does wrong, that I must make her happy always BECAUSE I always do wrong. If I am not doing something, then I am not helping something move forward. I'm only holding back. I'm holding her back.
She does things to help me, and what do I do...nothing, absolutely nothing. I make her happy, how? I don't know. I see her trying, I don't see me do anything. And what do I do to help...nothing. I bitch in the god damn thing about how I am worthless to her. Why, because I don't know what else to do since I need...you hear me....NEED...to make her happy and anything less than that is....worthless.
I ask myself, why do I try? I really don't know sometimes. I end up doing wrong in the end, and what does she do...she takes me back. WHY? Because of love? How can something soo powerful as love conquer even the most heart-breaking moments that I have given her. How? I cannot fathom these realities....
Which is why I cannot live a life that would be called in any corner of the Earth - normal. I do not live in reality - it's all in my head. Another world like this, but with all these prenotions about life and love and everything that doesn't fit into this reality. Now, how am I supposed to change my reality into the reality?
People wonder why I beat myself up, why I never forgive myself. Seeing the things I see, hearing the things I hear, feeling the things I feel, doing the things I do - I don't know why they would either.
I'm off now. Erin's coming home soon. I should have done work around the house, but I decided not to, because I decided I need relax time after I come home from work doing nothing really worth work. I need me time, I say to myself. Why for really? It would make Erin happy if I did this, clean up and do stuff - but I decide to make me happy. I've always said making her happy makes me happy...seeing the problem here?
Yeah...those things cloud my mind. Have a good night.