Friday, Aug. 01, 2003 | 11:20 P.M.
5 questions with REALLY LONG answers
Chadin�s Questions
First off, I must say that these are very exceptional questions. Way to go Gumphood. Some I can see where he got them from, others I have no idea. And some answers will be quick and easy, while others....whoo...yeah, hard and long. But, here we go.
1)Why Diaryland? What the hell brought you here, and what are the things that let you stick with it? What will make you stop?
Actually, I have been wanting to keep a journal of my thoughts for some time, but I never kept up with it like I should, so many thoughts would be forgotten. I was walking around campus one day when I saw a friend of my on a comp on a website. I asked him what this was all about, and he told me it was an online diary. An online diary was an interesting idea for me to put down my thoughts, so later that month, I asked him again what the website was, and so began my stay at Diaryland. Why have I stayed here as long as I have...hmmm...sometimes, I don't know. For a while, it was an addition, writing things down that I thought were important and reading my friends diaries. Then, I decided to get a review some months later. I was surprised by the score I recieved, 90/100 I think. So, from then, I began to upgrade my diary by adding links, going gold, banners, and many other things. I think that was when I started to change the way I looked at my diary, almost as an entertainment for the masses rather than a diary. This switched back and forth, and then, at one point, I was going to give it all up. I didn't have the desire to write in my diary, didn't think I had much to say anymore, but I was mainly holding back myself from truly letting go of some emotions. What will make me stop...hmm...I don't know. I don't think anything will, unless I decide so.
2) You are adopted, like me, however you have a sister? Is she from the same biological parents? What do you think your parents were like (best guess, I know you know nothing)? Were you ever angry at them? Was your sister? When did you learn about this?
The whole thing with my adoption and these questions is this: I am adopted and my sister is adopted. She is about 12 years older than I am and we do not have the same biological parents. Tammy (my sis) never wanted to know much about her bio parents - said she knew her parents and who they were - me on the other hand, wants to know. I know I am not just white, and I just want to know what my background is and my real family history. What my parents were like...wow, I don't know. I never really gave much thought about that. I was born out of wedlock, so I always assume she was 16 and my dad was 17/18. She was avg. height, dark skin, beautiful hair, really sweet and caring, liked a lot of people and was well liked. My father, I picture as a surfer boy/jock/play boy. White guy, blonde hair, light eyes, athletic looking, kinda cocky, the eye of many women. Now, how these two got together, I don't know. Maybe it was a fling, maybe it was a serious relationship, but I have no idea. No, I was never angry at my bio parents, I don't think so at least. Who knows what my subconscious is thinking. I don't think my sister had any emotion to her bio parents. I think my parents told me when I was young, like under 5. I don't know what I thought at the time, I think I just went "okay" and just went on. I've been told that I am too hard on myself b/c I am adopted. I am trying to prove to my parents that they made the right choice of adopting me. I have no idea if this is true, who knows.
3) Why did you decided to not be faithful? Was it something that you will always regret? Do you think you will get the same level of trust back? Do you like the fact that you were still able to date Erin again?
Okay, first off, I didn't decide to be unfaithful to Erin. It wasn't like, "hey, I think I am going to cheat on Erin." No no no no and no. One way that I did cheat on Erin was basically I thought we broke up, she didn't, and I did something with another girl - that night! True, I wasn't smart in doing what I did, but it could have been handled much much better. Basically, Erin and I got into an argument over IM. I said, that's it, it's over and she agreed or vise versa. We've done this before, and sometimes it was for real, other times it wasn't. I was being serious about it being for real, I guess Erin didn't think so. I was hurt by the fact that we weren't together, but I saught comfort in a girl who a week earlier told me she had a crush on me. Smart, huh! So we talked, and then I left a friends room to go back to mine. And we talked some more, and it got a bit sexual in content. I dont' know why I asked if I could come over, but I did. It was 12 or 1 AM at the point. I go there and we watch TV and talk some more. Finally, I think 1-2 hours later, we were in a position to kiss, and we did. And progressed from there to us in her bed, semi-naked and petting, I think that is the correct term. No sex happened, since she said she didn't want to be a rebound fuck. Now, if I was truly thinking that never crossed my mind. I spent the night there and had a nice time. Then the shit hit the fan the next day or that morning. Seemed like everyone on campus knew, Erin bitched her out. I had about 3 people calling me on my cell and yelling or crying at me. I was freaking out and feeling bad. I wanted everyone to stop freaking out, rather than actually fix things. I just wanted people to be okay again. I think the whole campus knew after that - I have no damn idea how, but people did. So yeah, that is my first real cheating on Erin. Good times....e-yeah. Erin also considers chatting with sexual content cheating, and for a while, thought looking a porn online cheating. So, in actuality, I've cheated on Erin numerous times. And, to be blunt and put everything out here, I have done some things with guys while with Erin. So, that's that. What a fun boyfriend I am! Is it something I regret....now, these questions are always tricky to answer. Do I regret the experience I had, no. Do I regret huring people, especially Erin, yes! No, I really don't think I will ever get that trust back, which is why, I think, I continue to do things that she tells me not to do. In my head, I am saying, "What is the point, nothing I can do for the rest of my life will gain her trust back." I can go 60 years of doing nothing wrong in Erin's eyes, and one day, do something wrong and all that trust would be gone. To me, that is frivilous, and not worth gaining back. It is sad and wrong, but deep down, that is how I feel. Yes, I love the fact that I am still with Erin. I am slowly learning the difference in fantasy and reality. To some of you, this is a duh answer, but to me, I had to figure out that these crushes I have on women don't stand up against Erin and my love for her. It is still a hard process, but it is true.
4) Name the first memory that comes to mind for the last ten years. That is to say when I say 12-what do you think of. Do this for the most recent ten years.
Hmm, interesting question. I think my first memory 10-11 years ago would have to be when I was twelve and that incident in the grocery store. I thought I knocked my mother out with a shopping cart, making her fall on the ground and hit her head. Yeah, I thought I fucked up majorly and should never be forgiven. Fun memory. I also remember how my mom would say I was about to turn flirteen, instead of thirteen - I hated that. Really isn't any fond memories of me at 13, just junior high and babe ruth baseball, football. I did get my first black eye that year, and only. You can see it in my yearbook pic. I think the same goes for the age 14. I just don't remember much from that year, at least, not anything memorable to me. Oh yeah, my mom had a stroke that year. Couldn't speak, and nearly died in the hospital. Yeah, good memories. When I was 15, I think that is when I started actually wanting to date girls. I knew I wanted to be with them, but dating them was a different thing. I hated sports, but loved baseball. Our team rocked by winning the tournament and I went on to the All-Star team, but didn't play my position, fuckers. Finally got out of junior high and went to high school. Yeah, high school girls were hot. Ah, yes, 16, got my first car, 1990 Nissan Pathfinder, cherry red, it rocked! I drove everyone around for my remaining years in high school. That made me feel good. Did I date when I was 16? I really don't remember my first date, I just remember gaining alot of weight, and thinking the french teacher was fucking hot! (She was, legs, accent, big breasts - she had it all). I think I had a date, but eh, who cares. 17 was a fun time. I remember Arkansas Governor's School or AGS. This is where the smart kids in arkansas get together and learn about stuff. 400 high school student (200 boy/girls) come to Hendrix College campus in Conway, AR and spend 6 weeks learning about advanced thinking and expanding their mind. Yeah, I had a blast, wish I wasn't soo damn conservative when it came to women...I'm a gentlemen, which means I get no play and won't make the first move - basically, I am chicken shit. Got the nickname fiveil (from the movie, An American Tail) there. Now, my senior year, age 17/18 is when it gets interesting. I almost kiss a girl (gasp) whom I was good friends with, so I didn't. Yeah, I'm a nice guy - it sucks. Got accepted to go to Hendrix College. Finally got my first kiss on December 9 I believe of 1997 with my first girlfriend. Yay!!! But also, 5 months later, we broke up. Why you ask? Yeah, like I could even say without sounding stupid, but basically, I KNEW (I was 18 and a senior, okay!) that it wouldn't work out in college with us, and being the logical guy that I am, decided NOT to wait until I left in Sept, and broke up in May. HMM, I'm a caring boy. So off to college I go. Yeah, my depression hits me hard. Hits even harder when I am 19 because my grade suffer greatly. Came back and tried to meet more people (more meeting, more opps to meet girls and possibly kiss and have sex!) Ah, more memories coming back. First time to get drunk, first drunk, make-out, french kiss with a girl. Went to Europe with choir and got drunk alot, another make-out fest with nasty girl, but I was too drunk to stop. Yeah, fun times! Okay, now, onto next year, and really only two important things happen here, I meet Erin and I take a leave from school. But thankfully, my parents are only 20 minutes away instead of 2 hours. That summer was tough. When I turn 20, uhm...not really remembering much that was oooh ahhhh. Still with Erin. Working hard to get my grades up. I think that is all. Now 21!!! Woo hoo, I am everyone's runner of alcohol. I get to do an internship with the Attorney General, now Senator Mark Pryor, traveled with him to Harrison, which was a great great thing for me to do. But, relationship problems bloom. I finally decide to try my skills at acting and landed a part in the musical "Working". It was great fun, and I met new people that let me grow and be more open. Oh yeah, this was the time where I lost 30-40 lbs. so my confidence grew dramatically, and I wanted to see if others saw me as attractive, datable, kissable, and fuckable. Now, 22 comes along, and this is when I did the cheating thing. But a month later, Erin and I get back together. Damn, how did I forget this, when I was 20, I had sex for the first time on Good Friday. How did I forget that - maybe because I've had it since then....alot...with the same girl....so, it is common knowledge. Then, Erin and I decide to live together, and so we did. Final year of college, working my ass off and stressing like crazy, get to 23 where I am in two more plays, one where I am a major character. Oh yeah, sometime in college 21 or 22, I tried X and pot. 23, I tried pot and alcohol at the same time.....mmmm...nonononono...bad idea, threw up everywhere. Fun cleaning it up. Yeah, and finally graduated from Hendrix. Then getting a job from AFLAC and here we are now. I think I have covered the major parts, well, besides my sister having three kids, my mom having more health problems, my dad getting promoted and then retiring. But besides all that, I think I have covered most things. Oh yeah, I got a new car. And I asked Erin to marry me. It's the water talking.
5) What in your life that is an object, best defines you as a person? What idea best defines you as a person? What word is the most opposite of what you believe in? What is the best sound in the world?
Why was I asked this question? I mean, ga! How do I even begin answer this question - I hate these types of questions. I can never think of an answer to them. But, sigh, I guess I will give it the ol' college try, like that meant much to me. What object defines me as a person - damn, I have no fuckin clue! I mean, I really don't. Too many possibilities to even choose from. God, fuck, skipping that one. What idea...oh yeah, that's even better! Grrr...why did you ask me these questions!!! Next! Okay, what is the most opposite of what I believe in, okay, I got this one - supremecy. I grew up in Harrison, AR, which is known as the KKK capital of the world. So, yeah, I get to hear some crap from people about that. Yeah, I hate those fuckers. I hate all people/groups/whatever who believe they are superior in some way; this includes everyone and everything, even the U.S and their supremcy beliefs. I just hate anything thinking they are better than anyone and/or everyone. I can't answer this last part with one answer. No no no, it must add some more. I know this isn't going to make sense, but peace. Not just peace outside, in the world, or my environment, but within me. You can hear peace within you. I don't know if I have known this peace, I might have, but that is a great sound. Tranquility, sereinity, peace...good stuff. Also, Erin speaking. Giggling, whispering, talking like a kid, moaning, talking dirty, yeah, all those things are good too. Ocean water, stream of water rushing by, birds, nature - I'm almost getting teary-eyed just thinking of this peace that is in front of my if I could just attain it. Yeah, real nice. Okay, the first two questions.....man....Erin says I should stick with this answer to the object question - my camera. I used to take lots of pics, I still do, when I remember my camera. I love taking pics of places, people, situations. I remember places and events well, if not the people, or the sounds, but the picture. I try to capture these things with my camera, happy memories. Memories people shouldn't forget, but often do. Also, by taking a picture, I am capturing more than just a scene, there's emotion in there. I observe all of this, and try to capture it as quickly as I can, which is why I don't like pose pics - boring and meaningless to me. Yeah, I think that is good enough. Uhm, what idea? I have too many ideas to say this idea defines me! Uhm...I am trying to get this idea more defined, but basically comedy. I love comedy, I love watching it, listening to it, telling it, laughter that ensues. Everything is comical in life, even the serious parts. I know this sounds weird coming from a guy who broods about life and things, or not, i don't know. People say without love, life isn't worth living. To me, without comedy/humor/laughter, life isn't worth living. It is was has kept me going this long. And music. I need music to express my emotions, as well as have it as an outlet. Helps brings together life in a full circle.
Bonus: What is the best thing you have ever cooked?
Why asking me about my cooking??? Okay, well, yeah, I do like to cook, but I really haven't cooked for lots of people, and it I had, it was from the grill or breakfast. Erin says I make a real good omlete, I think so too. But, what I tend to do if it is just me, I experiment with foods. What I used to do is make strange waffles with different stuff in them, like cinamon, or sugar, or honey, or chocolate, or peanut butter. They all good. I just like to create things with my food. Add spices to things to make it more interesting. But the best thing I've ever cooked, I have no idea. Normally it is just for me, and I don't remeber much. Oh, but I do remember making a Tarmisu that everyone loved. It was good, but I have no idea how I made it. I like making hamburgers too. I am more of a guy when it comes to cooking - let's see what I have and throw everything in a pot or something and mix and see what happens. I am still here, so it can't be all bad.
Yeah, that was fun. I don't know where he got some of these questions from, but hey, here they are. Hope you enjoy them.
You are Peace.
You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"
What Emotion Are You?
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