Tuesday, Jul. 29, 2003 | 5:16 P.M.
Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be me
Crazy title, huh?
This is the third entry in less than 24 hours, just to let you all know.
Why wouldn't I know what it is like to be myself? It all has to do with perception. My perception of myself is very different than how Erin sees me or my family or my friends or my co-workers or even strangers - all these perceptions are different.
I know, I know, I should only care about how I view myself, but if I did that, I wouldn't leave the house. It does help that others perceive me as good, decent, and all those happy thoughts. Those thoughts do help me go on when I am not sure if I should/could. I don't know how people interpret my actions, if they even do, and how they coincide with my own thoughts on my actions, thus perception.
Should I know myself, yeah! But I really don't. No one really does. We do not know how we affect people. I sure as hell don't know why Erin stays by me when I do bad things to her. I make her happy she says; how? I mean, I can guess how I can make her happy, and do them, but it doesn't mean that I will understand them, how it makes her feel deep within her, though she might tell me, I'll never really know. Same goes with everyone I have met, seen, and been with. I still affect people that I haven't seen for years, as egotistical as that sounds, I believe it is true. I'm sure how I made my ex feel when I broke up with her is still in her psyche whenever she meets another person.
For some reason, the two people I have been with had an issue of trust, trusting people and letting people inside them so I could see the real them, or their emotions - basically their heart. I don't know if most females are like this, but the two I have been with are/were. And for one reason or another (me), I have broken their trust of me AND other people. I'm not other people. I know most people are the same, and will react within certain ways, but it doesn't mean all with do this for this reason. Deep down, I still feel bad for hurting her; and not soo deep down, not even down, more like up, I feel bad for hurting my trust with Erin.
Do I do these things to hurt people on purpose, no. Then why do I? Ahhhh, questions that have no answers, which I am full of, but people want answers, and I really don't have them, so I am avoidant. Just seems weird how much life immitates fiction, and I said that in that order for a reason. Most people think fiction immitates life, no no no. I believe, when we are younger, we get alot of our emotions, perceptions, values from books, movies, television...things like that. It may be sad, but it is true. We don't necessarily see our parents or family act out the things we see on tv or whatnot, because for the most part, our family doesn't want us to see them (and I am not talking about sex, or violence - emotional situations and how to handle them). We really don't know how to, and, at least for me, goes back to how someone handled himself in a movie, or book, or television, and act accordingly. Why, I don't know. Am I stupid, most of you think so, so why should this statement make a difference?
Well, I am about to go work-out. My muscles are killing me right now. Good thing I am not lifting weights, just cardio.
I have some ideas for future entries, but the time to do them is not on me right now. So, most likely, it might take a while, or be a weekend thing. Okay, laters.