Tuesday, Jul. 22, 2003 | 9:10 A.M.
I'm stewing in emotion - and I need a bowl
I don't think this will be a long entry, seeing that I am pressed for time, but I will try to make the most of it.
Yeah, I am wrapped in emotion right now. Why do you ask? Well, bringing in my personal life/views and mixing it with my new job and seeing similarities between the two, whether they exsist or not.
I hate the way I act sometimes, and the way I think. When I mean hate, I do mean hate. And this isn't some sort of depression, I'm worthless speech, no no no, this is more of a I hate certain traits that I have that keep me from doing my best.
I've never (okay, let me get this out right now, when I am saying "I don't remember me" or "I've never", this means post 12 years old. I don't remember much before 12 clearly enough, and this is when I thought I knocked my mother down in a grocery store, where she went unconscience) really remember me standing up for myself. Well, I did argue, but after a while, I sort of stoppped. I didn't think I could "win" an argument.
I don't try to go further when someone says no. I say, "okay" and leave. I don't try to persuade people, is what I think I am saying. Okay, this is sounding bad, manipulative...sort of thing.
Let's see how I can fix this. Well, in my current line of work, I am an independent agent, so I go into businesses (I can individuals, but individuals intimidate me) and talk to them briefly, in order for me to get an appointment with them to talk more indepth. As we all might know, when we say no the first time, we don't mean no. No means - "leave me alone". Like when we go shopping, we might need help, but do we ask, or tell them we do...no. Why? because we are individuals who can do what is best for ourselves, and don't need help....yeah...right...
So, I am getting rejected alot, and not putting up a fight. I've been doing through almost bi-polar behavior these last few days. One moment, knowing I can achieve great prosperity through this company, and then the next, thinking I cannot do anything right and I am wasting my time. I mean, I have gone through emotion before, but this is really making me anxious and jittery.
Well, that is all I can type for right now. I have to meet someone in the Wal-Mart parking lot to work with for the day. On this lovely, rainy day.
Wish they would make a confidence shot/drink/pill that has no side effects.