Thursday, Feb. 06, 2003 | 12:33 A.M.
numb, just numb
I have been feeling numb lately; emotionally numb. I that that sometimes I have extreme emotions or feelings about my life or on a certain subject that has gotten me going, but lately, just numb.
I don't know if it has to do with all the pressure I am giving myself with all the homework and comps and the play and what-not. Oh, by the way, they are dressing me up a twiddle dumb. I'm sure most of you can figure out some clever way of putting this upon my life, so will leave you at that.
I mean, even watching the bits about the Powell speech, I'm still not like hell fire bent on saying things. I mean, I know of what some that he said to be skewd (Iraq has the ability to dispose of chemical weapons - yeah, that's because we gave them to Iraq), but I just can't get emotional about it.
I know that some would say that I am hiding something, that I am not in touch with my feelings. For instance, I am adopted. I have known this for basically my whole life, but I never talk about it, at least not much. I know of others that are that do talk about it. My problem about releasing these feelings is that I sound like my problems and the reason I am emotional is because I am adopted. It feels to me that I am blaming being adopted on my problems. Like it I was to blame divorce, or many other things. It has probably done something to me subconsciencly, but I'm not going to say that this is the reason or my parents are to blame, that is just stupid, and no logic behind it. And I think many kids and young adults today do this. I know my parents cared about my health, but would spank me if I blamed all my problems on them and said they were bad parents. Like I am supposed to get all that life has to offer without any questions asked. What moronic, selfish, spoiled bastards these kids are that do this. My mom and dad work all the time, so that is why I am an alcoholic. I mean, I can understand to a certain extent, but there is a fine line where it goes from the responsibility of a parent to the kids themselves.
I really don't know what I am saying, I'm just trying to get my 200th entry on my birthday, which I still dont' know what I doing thanks to all the wonderful suggestions I've been getting.
Just oen more to go. More chalk full of grandeur exploitations of my life before the big 200 and 23. Whoopie. I'm doing a little dance...really I am, fine, I wasn't.