Sunday, Feb. 02, 2003 | 2:59 A.M.
holding back - for a reason
Yeah, I might have been holding back on my emotions and my opinions and my feelings from this diary for some reasons. One being I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings about what I say; I do not like conflict. Two being that I am not too sure about my own emotions and opinions so I do not write about them. Three being that I do not have the confidence in myself to believe the my views mean anything. And last being, half the time, I do not even know what my emotions, feelings, opinions, and thoughts are! Sometimes this has to do with me holding back or surpessing my feelings, other times I am feeling something or want to say something, but I don't know what it is. Why do you think for a while, I just wanted to cry for no apparent reason?
I will see if I can open up as much as I can without killing myself.
I am scared. Very scared. Scared of my future, my past, my present, my distant future, my near future, tomorrow, today, yesterday. I am just scared. I guess worried would be added onto scared. I am worried that I will not graduate, I am worried that I will not do well this term, I am worried that I will not pass my comps, I am worried that I will not do well in the play, I am worried that I am not singing well, I am worried about my relationship with M-lady, I am worried about being on my own, I am worried about asking for a hand in marriage, I am worried about being married, I am worried about getting a job, I am worried about securing my end finacially, I am worried about insurance after I graduate, I am worried about my body, I am worried about my stomach, I am worried about my face, I am worried about my wrist, I am worried about my thougths, I am worried about my desires, I am worried about my fantasies, I am worried about my actions - past, present, and future, I am worried about money, I am worried about my parents, I am worried about M-lady, I am worried about my health, I am worried about my mind, I am worried about myself.
I am just plain worried that I will not amount to anything worth talking about. Along with being scared and worried, I am worried about being a disappointment and a failure. Basically in all those things I just talked about.
I have been trying to look at myself in a different light (staring at my naked body in front of a full length mirror for 5-15 minutes will do that), and trying to see that I am not as ugly, fat, stupid, unlikeable, unloveable, as I think myself to be. But it almost seems that when I try to do that, something comes along to destroy what little ground I started on.
What is also difficult for me is writing some of these things down. I am not a very open person about myself. I never really have been. Don't know why. But I have found this diary to help me out on many levels and I am thankful for that, but since it is an open diary, I am a bit hestitant to display my full emotions and talk about anything I want to talk about. And sometimes when I do, I get strange reactions from people. Some are shocked at what I say, some are mad because I shouldn't be writing certain things so other people can read, but others make no comment. Maybe I am bothered by the last because I do value opinions and I like to hear them. So sometimes I feel like I could say anything and no one would care, and other times I feel I have to hold things in so some people will not get angry with me. I really don't know what to do. More and more, I keep thinking that I should open up another diary and keep it locked so I can just write things down in it that no one can read, maybe that will ultimately get out these feeling and emotions without any recipication from anyone. I may do that.
It is late, and I do want to go to bed. I know it is depressing, but is it really to think that life would be better without you being around. In the whole scheme of things, the world would turn, flowers would bloom, and people would go on living if you were not around, but would it be better? I often think about that because I do believe that I bring more grief, sorrow, heart-ache, and worry from people than I do joy, happiness, laughter, and other positive qualities. I also think that there is, and might only be, and handful (which means a couple) of females on this planet that would want to date, kiss, or even go as far as to say love and have sex with me.
Now, here is the fun part. Because of what I have said, some people will tell me that I shouldn't be feeling these thoughts, that people do love me, the world is better off that I am here, everyone loves me, and I do make a difference. And I know others will say that if I ask God or Jesus for help, that my problems will go away or lessen. I can't believe that anymore. It is too hard for my brain to let go of my worries. I do not know how.
I know people will say there things that I am wrong in what I said, those negative things about me, and I shouldn't be thinking those thoughts of a depressing mode, but does that mean that I shouldn't have written those feelings, or shouldn't have even felt these feelings? Is it wrong to write them down? Is it wrong to write them down in an open forum like this? So does that mean I should hold some info in for security (like the government does)? If so, what would make this? Would it still be a diary, or would it be called something else?
*sigh*
(I haven't done that in a long time)
Much like my apartment, me and my life, are a mess.