Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003 | 2:02 A.M.
things that won't go away
I'm just messed up in some way. I don't know what that way is yet, but it's there, clouding my judgement. What is it I really want, in any aspect of life? Do I really want it, or is it a fantasy/desire. Am I seeking something that is outside, or within me, only thinking it is from outside I want? Why are our dreams, and subconscience so messed up? Why can't they just tell us what we desire, what is true about us, instead of painting a van gogh of an event? I really do need a vacation by myself just to think for like a week or so, maybe not just sitting in a house or lodging, but maybe interacting with strangers, little feedback, to see if this thought it what I want.
I am naive, in many ways, especially with myself. Sounds strange doesn't it? Well, it is. What do I want? Is it what I want, or what I think I should want? What is this image of myself that I have created for me to live by? Where is my true self, is it trying to speak out in the depths of my head, being drown by the constant surges of sound and light? Or is it just sinful desire that creeps in to torment my life? I don't know anymore; I thought I knew, but now I don't. I feel that my fantasies are reality, not just fantasies. Because what I felt in my fantasies are real emotions, and have a real affect on me, then they must be real, and I should be ashamed. But is this healthy? Is this keeping me from being who I am, not who I am supposed to be?
WORRY WORRY WORRY WORRY WORRY, that's what leads my life. Plain, simple worry of my life, affecting myself and others around me. Can't do that bad, must be ashamed of the bad, must avoid and hide it so no one can see it. It rots inside me. Are our desires there to improve us, or are they signs to change the outside?
Frankly, who the fuck knows.