Monday, Dec. 02, 2002 | 12:00 A.M.
where has the time gone...
Yes, it is official, I have taken off my pj's again while sleeping and awoke naked. Granted that I do not think I have ever taken off my clothes when I had a shirt on, only when I am wearing shorts or pants, but anyway, I have no idea why I do this. It isn't like my pants are just at my feet or anything, they are on the damn floor. What am I doing when I sleep?
Anyways, I wish I could remember anything at all. I really do. My brain has been on permanent vacation and is still on it. I don't I can make or comprehend any intellectual conversation right now. I don't know if my brain will ever come back, not until I actually graduate from college. Which is soo far away if you add all the shit I have to do to graduate. Fucking comps...just fuck class. Only kind of mindless entertainment I've been doing today is listening to the commentary from Kevin Smith movies. Believe me, they are not intellectual at all, just some guys making fun of Affleck, which is funny in itself.
I don't know how professors or even brilliant students continue with academics year after year. I can barely contend with a so-called five years (who can say that I have actually tried for five years and not just had intellectual thoughts in the last two). I just can't stand it anymore. This isn't some pathetic apathy, or just another reason for me to put this off, like a ridiculous procrastinater. Or me whining and worrying that I cannot get anything done because I am stupid and not worthy of any ackolade(?) that comes my way, I am just soo fucking tired of school, of school work, of classes, of those damn things called papers. I don't care anymore. I don't care how my learning this will after my life and the world around me with the information I know hold in my hand and in my brain. Frankly it is giving me a headache.
I am not helping myself right now. I know I want to loose weight, but I'm gaining right now. I also know that I lost all my weight, or started to, when I was working a 9-5 job. I had a schedule, and it is so fucking hard to work a schedule when you are at school. For me, it is difficult to schedule studying. This is why I like the job I was at; I didn't really have to think about it when I got home. When I was home, I was home and I could relax, which in turn, raised my metabolism or didn't make me eat as much because I was relaxed.
M-lady has decided that we are permantly going to sleep in the same room. Soon, we will have one bedroom and a study instead of two bedrooms. She will get rid of her bed, and move her dresser in here, while I move my computer stuff in the other room, and hopefully the kitty stuff too. We are hoping that it will free up some space in our bedrooms, and basically everwhere. The closets will still stay the same, b/c we both have too many clothes for one closet.
I have already completed all of my christmas shopping. I feel good about that. Well, that isn't true, about me being done, b/c I still have to get my friends gifts, but I got the big ones out of the way. Just going to get like dollar or at least, less than 10 dollar gifts. I'm not made of money you know.
I just know I will be happier when I am out of school. Then my worries will be REAL. Like actually have to worry about money, jobs, performance; it will be like any other day, except in porportion. Won't that be lovely?!?
What does it mean when you dream of the end coming, end of the world, or you dying. I had a fucked up dream where I was blasted into outer space for some reason, like the earth exploded or gravity didn't exsist, like the universe imploded and everything moved in, so people were shot up into space or something, and I was there, in space, holding my breath until I tried to breathe, and in my head, I was trying to breathe, but I know I can't. So, I was there, feeling whatever you feel when you try to breathe in outer space (thinking of this is actually making my heart and chest hurt). I was about to die, when I imaged that I had a suit on or something to help me breath, then I lost it and there I was again, breathing literally nothing, until I woke up. Wasn't like I was falling to my death, the earth exploded and the universe is gone, why do I dream these things. This is like the second or third dream like this in a month or so. Weird...
I think that is all I have. That last paragraph made me a bit down and depressed; and possibly scared, trying to figure out what it means. See, I don't need school to make my mind expand and question and find alternative solutions, it's all in my head just waiting to present itself, and this is a daily occurance.
I want to sleep, a long sleep, and wake up refreshed ready to go on my day. That is all I want for christmas, a feeling that I want to get up and face the day. I don't know what that is or how I can achieve. Maybe santa is the only person that can help me. I better actually get sleep now or I will continue to ramble.