Monday, Oct. 28, 2002 | 12:35 A.M.
and so it continues...
Another short entry, I suppose to just add on to the last entry.
I feel as if I am a dissappiontment. I'm not living up to my potential in life, and somewhere in the past, I lost it. I guess that is why I dig deep into my past, trying to connect with people I haven't seen in soo long wondering what I lost then that I don't have now. Was life truly easier and simplier then than it is now? I think I've been doing this since I got to college. I hate how college does this to you. I am not surprised that there are not more suicides at this age level, because damn, these are depressing times, though they are supposed to be the best times of your life, or the most memorable. It is like high school, but not soo fake, probably because you see people every damn day. Life gets disjointed, it is hard to seperate school from reality.
Is this what higher education is trying to teach us, that our work is appart of our life, that we cannot escape it. Kinda depressing if you think about it, but that is not why I am depressed. I want to work, get out of this rut of doing homework and start doing real work, even if it is at home.
I know I go through this every few months where I wonder where did I go wrong, yet I do not know what is wrong. Sometimes I do really believe that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain because I do get down quickly for now reason, and it seems like I have to find a reason to explain, but this doesn't happen often, but it is still weird. If you couldn't tell, I had one today. Kinda still having one. Just do not think I am good enough to survive this last year of college. People suggest that this is easier than a real job in the real world. At least there you have a more structured schedule than you do at college, or maybe not. Maybe I am just missing the purpose of doing school work anymore.
I still wonder if I am that same person people comment on in yearbooks, notes, cards, and even to my family. Sometimes I feel like they are talking about a different person, like I am not that known, that I don't matter that much, that, well, not that popular. It is probably easier to think that way, or I am just afraid of getting a big head...who knows, though I would like to hear it to my face, but that is excepting too much I suppose.
Plus, how do you people get enjoyment from my diary? I do read some of your diaries, and I do love hearing your opinions, it is still odd to hear that you look forward or miss me when I don't write...it's just strange. Maybe it is just strange to be appreciated, which I don't think I have felt in a long time, if at all...from me.