Monday, Oct. 14, 2002 | 2:15 A.M.
future worry
I really hate when I do this, which is all the time. I hate it when I worry about what is going to happen to me in the future. Since I do not have much that is happening to me outside of school, it mostly has to do with school. Right now, I am freaking out about how much stuff I have to do in such a short amount of time. Let me spell this out for you.
Oct. 22-paper; Nov.7-exam; Nov.14-paper;Nov.18-paper;Nov.22-paper; Nov.27-Dec.1-break; Dec.2-paper; Dec.3-paper; Dec.4-8-choir;Dec.14-final; Dec.17-final; Dec.18-final. Now to clear some things up. For those who don't know it, I am a Politics major. And for those who don't go here, that is Hendrix College, when I say papers, I'm not talking about a three paragraph paper. I think the least amount of pages required in any of my paper is 10 pages; the most is 15. So that means in a span of a month and a half, I will have written somewhere between 60-80 pages. That's alot of trees I'm killing. Don't I feel good about myself. Besides that Thanksgiving break, I think I am going to take a camping trip with my dad during Nov.8-10. So the way I see it, that will be the only solace time I will have for the rest of the school year. Now you might think I would have one during Thanksgiving break, but seeing that I have two papers due right about that break, I don't think so.
And to top it all off, I have to prepare for my comps. I have six questions to answer. When I take the comp, I have three hours to answer one question. Then I come back another day do to it again. Basically, I have six hours to answer two questions. The way I am seeing it, I have to write ten pages typed on each question to fill up three hours of writing.
Let me ask you this, am I making this too big of a deal? Am I taking this all out of proportion? Am I worrying too much? Well, what do you think? Would you if you were under the same situation?
I keep being told that I will be fine, because I have always have found a way to get through things and do well. I don't know this time. This has been a bit of a hard term, but the end of it, I think, will be the hardest time I have ever gone through. Next term will be easier since I am taking a class I have already taken, and an acting class.
Another thing I have a hard time doing is breaking things down into smaller bits. I don't know why, I just do. I can't see myself doing the small things first in order to get the big picture done. It seems like it takes more effort to do the small things. For example, when I am cleaning, I can't see 'I need to get this section done first, then this, then this', I see the whole apt that I need to clean and I get overwhelmed. Much like what I do when I am doing homework. I can't say, I need to get this book or section done in the class and then do this, I begin to freak out about how much I have to do. Even smaller than that, I can't break down what I have to read in a class into sections. I have to read it all now, or not at all. I don't know why I am like that, but I just am.
Well, wasn't this a boring entry...It really sucked. No feeling, no emotion, felt like I was writing a paper.
well enough of that, but it is not like i have any thing else to write about. just don't expect me to be in the best of moods as the year goes along. maybe to go as far as don't expect to see me. i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this.
what is this supposed to teach me about the "real world"? huh, how much i can't stand it and how i want to destroy whoever or whatever began this chaos in order to get some peace in my life long enough where i dont' want to kill myself...
i think i am being a bit melodramatic. who cares...I wish I did, enough at least.