Tuesday, Oct. 08, 2002 | 4:14 P.M.
i feel trapped
i don't know what it is sometimes, but i just feel trapped. trapped in many ways, trapped mentally, trapped physically, trapped academically, trapped monatarily. just a general feeling of being trapped.
sometimes i think it is just because i am afraid to go outside what i know. that i am afraid of doing something and failing, or making a fool of myself infront of others. and yet, there are times where i dream of doing these daring acts and succeeding.
I often wonder why I do idolize Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, and now Eddie Izzard. These people seem to have this aura of "no-fear" about them. they do whatever they want, say what they want, and for the most part, don't seem to care what people think. they are just being themselves.
My dilemna is whether that I am wanting to get out of my box that I am in now because I am just holding myself back, I was meant to be this free, these thoughts I am having are my true thoughts and I am just afraid to express them - OR - I believe that if I express the attributes of these great comedians that all of my problems will go away; that I will trap myself into their world and escape my failures. Which is true? Am I really holding myself back, or am I just trying to find an escape from what I deem to be a failure of a lifestyle?
How do we really know what or who we are? Are the things we do on a daily basis who we really are, or is it just safe for us? If we do something that we do not normally do, is it us trying to come out, or us just being stupid by following someone else's life?
Personally, I hope I am holding myself back. I get many fantasies of me having no fear of my own abilities. I know now that when I dream, I am searching for something. Asking questions of what reality is, and wondering how to get to different areas. This is what I dream, I am looking for something. I suppose something to make my life whole, or have meaning. I was about to cry last night because I felt stuck. I felt that I couldn't escape what I have created for myself. I am trapped in my own box that I created to keep me safe, and for it to make sense. People would understand me and not fear. I would be safe, but now, that safe place has become my torture.
I don't think I will be doing a review today because I have a paper due by 5 tomorrow and I haven't started on it. I pretty much have about 12 hours to do it. Must be between 6-12 pages. And I won't start on it until 8 since people are coming over after choir to eat breakfast, and then watch Buffy.
I wish I would abuse drugs sometimes. Maybe then I would live the dreams that I am always following, at least experience them on a somewhat real plane of exsistance.
Who knows, but I gotta go sing.