Monday, Oct. 07, 2002 | 11:46 P.M.
I hate, I hate, I said I hate papers
god, i am starting to hate papers. even to the point of writing. that means in there and in my diary reviews. I felt i wasn't good in them, made mistakes, and wasn't grammatically sound.
i just feel like i am stuck, or better yet, i feel like i do not belong in this world, if that means college or real or whatever, i don't belong. i wonder soo many times what my purpose or place in this world is, and i have still no idea. when i get an idea about what it is, i am faced with hardships that i cannot tackle.
i just feel like goign to bed and not caring, but how is that any different from what i do day to day. not a whole lot i can tell you that much. god i hate feeling this way. this just creeping feeling of diteration; falling apart on the inside.
i want to scream sometimes and i want to cry. i had thoughts not too long ago today that i was a father trying to keep up with my son. bike riding, swimming, sports, running, skiing, trying to do all the things he is doing, and all i do is end up messing up or hurting myself because i can't keep up. then one day, i just sit down and start crying because i see myself as a bad father. i dont' know why i was thinking this. this is the kind of shit that goes through my mind on an hourly basis, not just daily. i don't know if i just imagined my son saying it is okay, just as long as i try to make me feel better or not. who knows anymore what goes on in my crazy head.
i really do not want to do this paper. i want to go away or at least not have to worry about reading, writing papers, going to class. just sitting back and relaxing. not worrying about these damn formalities. i want to go to bed now and forget about this paper, but i know i will stress more tomorrow. it is due wednesday before 5 pm. i know if i wait, i will have like 12 hours or so to complete it. it is not like i dont' knwo what questions to answer, how to answer them, how to apply them, and how does it affect us now, i just don't want to write the damn paper. I am like Captain Hook right now.......I hate, I hate, I hate damn papers!