Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002 | 1:00 A.M.
stress, stress, and some more stress.......would you like some doubt with that?
i am soo many things right now i can't count or speak straight, since you know, many people are speaking at once and i only have two hands and a brain...might come into some confrentations or a word like that.
i always do this, it never fails...i think i have done this all my life too. is it just human nature or do we learn it one time when we wait and then come back with a satisfactory grade and we are like, well fuckin a, who needs to study when i can cram and still get good grades? and we continue this throughout our lives. or was it that you just got school until you went to college, or that college is harder than school. or they just taught school more simplier for your growing minds and when you went to college, you were expected to learn and just go with it. who are these people that run around and begin clubs, do many activities, and have a job. who are these fuckers that make me look bad and seem like a lazy bastard???
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
iiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccccccccckkkkkkkk
uuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh
uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i hate writing...i know, i say that now, but wait till later, since i am writing while i am saying i hate writing, but is this really writing?
at the same time i want to write something about what i am thinking, i want to run away or just stop completely, so i am kinda at a paradox...who am i kidding, i am a paradox.
i don't knwo what to write anymore, except i am disappionted in myself. how can i apologize to myself??? how can you do that, how can you forgive yourself and go on?? how can you quit thinking for a minute to do the things that you need to do and needs to be done? why is that soo difficult for me, to just let go and do things and not worry and not critize and not doubt........
i don't know anymore, i just don't know.....