Thursday, Sept. 12, 2002 | 1:14 A.M.
i found my junk chest and it filled my mind
frustration, anger, fear, doubt, worry....these are the things i cannot speak openly anymore.
pushing and pushing myself i do, but does it ever work? letting myself do what comes freely to accomplish my goals, but does that ever work?
wanting to do well, but at what cost will i do? what will i give up willingly to do such a feat?
how can i stay focused on an amassing obstacle, one that grows bigger and bigger as each day passes?
i hear "break it up into smaller pieces", but how will that make me do better, faster, and understand more?
the fear, frustration, anger, doubt, worry grows each day within. the constant speaking and put-downs are non-stop.
i feel like i do not belong here amoung intellectuals, or ones that possess a higher capability of knowledge than myself. i do not participate in class, not b/c i am shy for the most part, but b/c i do not do what is asked of me for class. yeah yeah, if i do it i can, blah blah blah, don't tell me something i already know, and don't tell me it is easy. i have always had trouble for studying, espically if it is trying to teach myself how to study or how to learn something, i can't. i really never have. i really only learn through watching. i don't know it is b/c i enjoy something or if i do really learn quickly, but like in dance, or singing, or many other things, i can pick up on it quickly and can do it fairly well in the end. i have to watch or be taught for a short period, but after that, i am usually fine with it. call it doubt or no confidence, but how would you know which is it, or how would i know. i know what i do not like, and i know what i wouldn't mind doing, but it is hard when i do want to participate that my train of thought or thought process does not follow the though process of the class or the professor.
i look at wondering why something happens and results but at a different way than what the prof wants or the class speaks of. i do not know if i am asking questions for a simple perspective or asking obvious questions and should be looking at the bigger picture and how one leads to another and what we should learn from this, i do not know what it is. i wish i knew sometimes what i am good at so i can do that and be happy with myself. at least then i might be able to understand such thing with a bit of ease, but here and now, i do not. i feel ignorant to other in class. sometimes i feel like i am not reading the same book or i am missing pages or not using special glasses so i can literally read between the lines.
here, i cannot tell if i feel this way solely b/c i doubt my own intellectual thoughts or just basic thinking or am i just thinking on a different level from everyone else, at least, what i am expected to be thinking and at what level.
same with writing. i write like a 6th grader. and now, i am expected to write with mature vocabulary and a sophisicated speech pattern that would wow audiences and keep them wanting to know more and be glad for what they have learned. i can't do that nor do i even know how to. i don't want to sound like a know-it-all spouting jargon so i can impress someone. i'm not here to impress people with my knowledge (though at the same time i want to, and at the same time i fear that i cannot with my abilities). same with filling out applications, like job or entrance, espically when it comes to the part of talk about yourself or why should we admit/hire you. i hate it b/c it is basically a place to boost your ego beyond the realm of the walls you are writing in. you are making yourself sound to be this perfect person, soo good that they must hire/admit you on the spot or it will be their loss. i don't know about you, but i think that is, to say the least, full of shit. you spouting words out of your ass and passing it off as truth. yes, you may be a hard worker, but damnit, you ain't no superman who never sleeps or eats, just there all the time doing only work and enjoying it. i don't know, it may just be me.
and agent, you are not the only one out there who doesn't feel deep movement about today. i know i am a bit overwhelmed(in the negative way) about this whole media frenzie over 9/11. it was a great tragedy(and i do mean that in a theatrical sense too) and we should feel sorrow and morn for those who are no longer with us, but to make it into this thing bigger than life is taking it a bit too far. and if anyone calls me unpatriotic or unamerican, i will punch them right in the face and call them a fuckin bastard. just like if someone said that b/c i do not support dubya in his quest, and it is a quest, to invade, destroy, overthrow iraq and sadaam. he's fishing in the pacific ocean with a twig and a hook trying to catch a great white whale. i want justice for those who did commit this crime, but i do not want us to fuckin go to war over something that is a bit unrelated to what happened a year ago. we must be careful in this "war on terrorism" and not become the terrorist in others eyes.
i know we must learn from others so we can fix the now, but do i need to read about plato and niteche and freud to be able to talk about ideas that they discussed or to apply them today? so when it comes down to making decission, if i haven't read these people, my opinion isn't work shit? why do we hold these people in such high regard, almost diety like on occassion or to some? do we not have minds of our own that we cannot seek answers from out very souls? i understand that reading will expand our minds or open new doors to us, but sometimes, damn, it seems like we are spouting(i like that word for some reason right now) catch phrases from these intellectuals.
i know some people will apologize about an entry being long, but you know what, i'm not going to. i'm not here to have short little tid-bits of info for your knowledge. i am not the u.s. today or readers digest.
i will apologize for the hateful or negative aspect my diary has turned out to be in a way if it might upset you or offend you, but i am not apologizing for this entry being negative.
i wish i could say that i feel better for getting all these emotions, thoughts, feelings out, but i don't. i do not know what will make me feel better at this time, short of a miracle that all the information that i should be learning magically appears in my brain with full understanding so i can relax and enjoy a small thread that is called my life while i am here living a life. just enough time to be truly happy, not just the happy you get when something goes right or someone brightens your day with gifts, surprises, or laughter, no no no, i mean true happiness, almost content happiness, which sounds silly i know, but that happiness where you can look around and see what is happening, what is going on, what has happened, what will happen, what is going for you and against you, what you have accomplished and what you must, what has failed and what you have learned....knowing all these things and NOT CARING. that is true happiness, for a brief moment, life is good.