Tuesday, Jul. 23, 2002 | 3:03 A.M.
soo many clouds
I remember as a kid being told that i could control the clouds. if i looked at them and concentrated, i could change them into whatever shape i wanted to.
today, i stared at the sky, looking at the clouds, and i realized something: i can't control them. trust me, i tried. but i did continue to stare, look off, then stare. i did this for i don't know how long, but as i continued, the clouds changed shaped, and moved away.
then, it hit me as i stared at the crystal blue sky, i can't control the clouds, the clouds control themselves. all i do is say what i see, i interpret what the clouds do and what it means to me.
this may seem small to some, but it began to have an affect on me. i realize that i cannot control my surroundings or others, all i can do is look at what the clouds give me and see what to do from there.
as i see this, i feel a bit relieved, but also, a bit powerless. before, i felt as if i could control my life and everything around it. now, with this, i don't know, that i am just an observer. the power is gone from my hands, but was it really there, or just in my head.
*sigh* i know that people have been telling me this for a while now, but it seems weird, or appropiate, that nature told me in its own way. now, that question is, what to do with it. do i take this info and actually put it to my life and my thinking, or do i see it as just a motto to say. i know i should put it to my lifestyle, but will
i realisticaly?
i wish i could say yes with feeling, but i can't. i know how hard it is to say that and to actually do it and not get emotional when things do not go my way. or get mad at myself, punish myself, lock myself up mentally in my head till things are right again.
life is not sweet, nor is it bitter. i wish i knew what life was, maybe that is what i am waiting for...and why i am miserable at times. waiting, i'm just waiting for the answer to appear in the sky for me to see and understand. i feel like i am a girl waiting for her dream guy to walk through that door and sweep her off her feet. when you think about it, that's sad. not that a woman does that or thinks that, but i am comparing how i feel with that...i should wear diving equipment. i swear i swim too deep for my own good.
i got fired today, and how are you today? the weather is warm, and the sky is clear, and look at all the bug bites i have on me. let's have a drink, shall we?