Sunday, Jul. 21, 2002 | 1:17 A.M.
the abyss of my mind
the weight of the world rests not on my shoulders, but in my brain, my thoughts, my dreams, my desires, my goals, my griefs, my accomplishments, my failures, my conscience, my subconscience, my id, my ego, my super-ego, my left, my right, my zen, my aura, my introvert, my extrovert, my creative, my logical, my child, my adult, my immature, my mature, my being, my nothing.
all these rest inside a head that has not seen the world, but for some reason, has felt it.
as i sit, writing pages and pages on little post-it notes, i wonder why i do certain things, as many of us have done, and probably right now at me. we could say the truth...we are searching for the truth. i thought so for a long time, but now, i don't know anymore. perhaps it is more of certainty than of truth. or of clarity as many religions stress, clarity of what is right and wrong, good and bad, pure and evil.
for me, now, i'm looking for contemptment, not in life, or of others...in myself. knowing what will happen to me, and yet, not knowing, but feeling that whatever comes, i will be there, going through the motions of life, not like a robot, but of a wind...wind that has blown before, but not knowing how much it will blow. will it cause damage or bliss in someone's face.
knowledge is always a logical point to look at. logics will teach us right and wrong. but thinking too much, well, just kills me and others around me.
no no no, maybe in the most strange way, we need limits or a knowledge of limits. that knowledge is limited, even freedom is limited. maybe by limiting complication, it will become simple. who knows, not me at least, i'm only 22. what do i know, and yet, i do, just not right now.