Friday, Apr. 26, 2002 | 12:02 A.M.
the bad news......
Fear, Worry, Hurt, Failure, Obsessions, Temptations, Short Answers, Long Consequences, Procrastination, Disappointment, Desires....Lack of Trust, Lack of Confidence, Lack of Self, Lack of Feelings, Lack of Others, Lack of Focus.....Knowledge of the Inevitable, Knowledge of Failure, Knowledge of Let Down, Knowledge of Problems....Victim, Suspect, Accuser, No Goals, No Ambition, No Future, Short Pleasure, Withholding True Happiness, Pain, Much Pain, Stress, Lots of Stress.....
NO CONFIDENCE IN SELF, INSTEAD OF FIXING, RUNS FROM IT IN SLEEP, GAMES, RELATIONSHIPS, COMPUTER.....HURTS SCHOOL, GRADES, HAPPINESS, SELF....DON'T GO TO CLASS, DON'T STUDY CAUSE KNOW GOING TO FAIL, BUT PART KNOWS IT'S BETTER SO TRIES BY STRESSING, WORRING, AND SAYING I AM BETTER THAN THIS.....THEN THE QUESTIONS...OH THE QUESTIONS, THE DOUBT, THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, THE HURT, THE FINGER POINTING, THE EXCUSES....
why can i just enjoy life for what it is? why can i be happy for what i have: a great girlfriend, a great family, great friends, having money, many great stuff, health....what is keeping me from being happy.....i could say school, and why school....grades....the ideal of being a good student and the thought that i actually have to try and do well, not just well, expectional....you know if i would just go to class every day, it doesn't hurt that i don't read the material constantly or all of it, just as long as i go to class, i would get the concept and still participate.
i am just hurting myself by worrying and stressing and trying to relieve those things by little short pleasures that just hurt me more as time go by. i worry so much as to what the profs. think about me and how i appear to be the model student and how i want to be that....i think i just want recgonition, from the school, students, profs, friends, family, everyone....i just want to be known and i think i must do something extrodinary to get that publicity. that i am not going to get that from being just little ol' me. i must be more than me....i must be someone else....not in the fact that i do things that i don't want to do, but do things i like doing but have an idea that i am supposed to be better than everyone or be able to pick up on things faster than anyone, b/c that way i will get known.
to myself, i am not good enough to know me....how sad is that? i wouldn't want to spend time with me b/c i think i am not good enough. that if somehow if i do this or do this or this this this this this, that people will love me and i will feel good about myself. that if i change the way i think or look or what i read or what i do or how well i do it or be able to speak to read to write to joke to act to sing to dance to just be human that people will like me and that means i am liked which means that i must be able to like me.....not the other way around!!!
i know this must sound like pity party for myself, but it is not. it is not like i am getting sad right now, i don't know, it is more of an anger like....i can't really explain, but not like i am mad at myself where i am doing the same thing if i was feeling bad about myself.....
frustrated is a good word right now...i am just frustrated with myself that i do this to myslef that makes me frustrated....just one big circle.
now they say the first road to recovery or healing or whatever is able to reconize the problem, and i have...i have lots lately. now i believe the next step is recovery or finding ways to fix this....how can i fix this...is it just a mental problem of rearranging my thoughts to where they are of a positive light...or rituals where when i start thinking this way i say a chant or exercise to make me come to center....i really have no idea. i've always knows that the hardest part was the actual changing the thought and action process....i don't know....i just really dont' know
am i worried...no, not really...am i scared....no, not really....am i anxious......no, not really....i guess the best word for how i am feeling right now is uncertain. i am uncertain how i feel, how i will feel, how i will act, how will i fix this, how will i approach it, how will things turn out, how will have the strength.....
I AM JUST PLAIN UNCERTAIN......is that so bad?