Thursday, Apr. 11, 2002 | 1:59 A.M.
new beginnings....sort of...not really
well, the kidnapping went well. finally went to the lake. it was a lovely day. saw agent and luil. that was a pleasant surprise. had a picnic, then flew kites - mine got stuck and it stayed in tree:( = sad - then studied. of course there was some playfulness involved during the day, but that's understood. got there around 2, left around 6. she's burned badly...silly girl who forgot to put sunblock on b/c she hadn't needed the sunblock before b/c of winter...why not now....*shakes head*
it was a lovely time with her. got back, ran around conway. i kept talking about wanting a scooter for next year to get around conway. would save soo much on gas and i like them.
i need to get around doing my internship app, off-campus letter, and exam due monday. i guess i will spend tomorrow doing that.
after hearing or seeing some recent spring time blooms (relationships), i start to wonder if it is time for mine to. O and I read agents and peters entry and she asked me the same question. i hesitated but said yes, we are. it is not like i didn't want to be, i was a bit afraid to say it officially, possibly b/c if i admitted it, the problems would return. and i didn't want to be forced or cohersed into saying it. i wanted it on my mine and do it my way. i don't know if i am anxious now b/c i didn't do it the way i wanted to or b/c we ARE official and i feel the problems coming back.....i don't know
don't get me wrong, i love being with her and i do love her, i am just afraid of what might happen again....as all women say (i am just using this as an example) "if they did it before, they will do it again". that frightens me, b/c i don't want to do it again, but what if i do or i can't help doing it....i don't know...i should be happy, but i am, i think, more worried and apprehensive ( i hope i used that word in the right context) than pleasant.
strange how so many now are more giddy than worried and me...being more worried than giddy...what's wrong with me...i just hope she will read this and help sooth my troubled mind and relax my tense body so i can just look at her and know what is right and what is good and just go to sleep holding each other......to dream to dream, to make dreams reality