Thursday, Apr. 04, 2002 | 12:03 A.M.
swimming with goggles on
Man, can i procrastinate! i must be up there with the best. i'm not talking about those idiots who just sit around and not do anything. i've done things today, but things that i should be doing, i have not. man what a rush.
things have been nice of late, that is, in my outer life. my inner life is not so good right now. dont' know what happened or what triggered it, but it not happy.
ate some today, swam today...that was fun. went to wal-mart...always a blast. looked at cars, find ways to improve myself on many levels. the best level would be studying...as in helping my esteem....but for some reason, finding more ways to take up my time than studying seems more important to me. O has been saying as of late, "you work better under pressure". that's a bit scarey. if you have seen me when i am under pressure, i'm not a pleasant person to be around. strange how i live my life. i either need to streamline my time or have more hours in a day...or get less sleep and be happy about that...i don't know.
chlorine making me itch...don't like that. oh hum...need to find what makes me happy and stick to that. then need to find what is wrong with me and fix it. blah blah blah blah blah......
i hate it that i doubt myself and get soo down on myself. and i hate it that something soo little and soo minute can change my attitude about life and about myself. depressing is the best word to describe how that makes me feel.
*grumble sigh*
i wish i lived in an ideal world. or at least make my life ideal for me. i don't know if that is just dreaming or crazy talk...or it that can actually be obtained. what makes us happy? what makes us love? what makes us desire? what makes the troubles of our daily lives go away in a heart beat?
simple.....a smile.