Thursday, May. 20, 2004 | 11:16 P.M.
it's time - I have internet
I now have internet at my apartment, so this may actually get updated more than it has, but I'm not making any promises.
I really hate where I am at right now. I am constantly fighting with myself on the inside and in my head. I don't know what I am doing is right or good or worth while, and I have no idea how I am succeeding in this area, if I really am. I just have no idea. I do know that I cannot stand people right now. People are idiots. People also avoid confrentation like the plague. They never give you a straight answer, always trying to find a way out - and they have the nerve to say you are lying and cheating them out of a deal. I'm lying...when you say whatever you can to leave - what fucks.
I don't know what is wrong with me right now. I just know that I want to yell and cry, punch something and curl up into a ball right now. I just have no idea what I am doing, and if I am doing it right.
What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? What is working and what isn't? Do I really sell people on these cars, or would they buy from a sock puppet?
Am I special in any way possible to be praised the way that I am from friends and relatives?
I don't feel special. I just feel like I am going through the motions - and nothing is really changing. Oh a tree, the road, some cars, people coming in, people leaving, getting yelled at, selling a car, getting praised for it...
Is anything I'm doing different that what someone else might do? Am I really a comodity for this company, or just another worker...
I don't feel special right now - just mowed down and getting kicked.
It's hard to try when you don't know what you need to work on.
This is depressing....