Saturday, Jul. 26, 2003 | 11:22 P.M.
I really don't know what is wrong with me - I feel like someone has told me some bad news
Yeah, I am in some kind of dip right now. I really have no idea why I am like this at this moment. I would think Erin coming home would help me moreso, but it seems it has gotten worse since she got home.
Talent - this is where people are defined by, their talent. A talent that allows them to achieve such greatness, whether socially, politically, environmentally, or inwardly, great things happen with this person. As for I, I really don't know what my talent is. I hope that it would be as a singer or dancer when I was younger. I wanted to learn how to tap dance, or shoft shoe, but never really expressed it. Thought I was going to be a great Tae Kwan Do student, but that didn't go far. Sports didn't work out either - baseball, basketball, football, tennis, all kinda fell off. Scholastic wise, yeah, where did that area of my brain go. Feels like I am a walking dummy, and not the crash testing kind, though I feel like I've been through a wreck.
She told me that one (or all) of my talent is through my compassion for others. Now, how in the hell can I make this into something I do and enjoy doing - like a job. I know I could do something good for the community or the environment or the world by volunteering or working for a non-profit organization, but in the back of my head, a voice is saying, "Where is the money?" And I have to agree with it.
I don't know if it is socially brought up in me that I need to make money, or my practical, logical side telling me that, you know, I need money to have a place to live, food, clothes, gas, insurance...all those adults things we hear soo much about. So, I would like a job that would allow me to be compassionate and have money. Doctors our out, just don't want to do it. Lawyers...dont' know yet. I am an insurance salesman for lack of a better term; they make some money, but how compassionate is that? I am sure there are others, but I mean, where I am going with my life. I really do feel like a failure, but I don't know at what; like I have let someone down in some way, whether it be a teacher, my parents, or myself from my dreams and desires when I was younger. Who knows really.
I'm just wondering if I am doing the right thing. Will I do well where I am? Is this just a waste of my time and theirs, or a failure of my time?
It's weird (but what isn't in my life) that the more I think I am breaking away from my insecurities, the stronger they hit me. I feel like I am able to talk easier to people and say things that I wouldn't say a year ago. I am beginning to read people and myself - then I get these emotions flooding me with doubt that I don't know where to begin/start/finish/end up...just where the hell do I go from here?
I want to feel worth-while. I want to feel like I am doing something good. I want to feel like my time means something. I want to feel that I am helping someone in more ways than they can imagine.
It is not love I am after, or wanting to feel love, no. It is something different, that I can't quite put my finger on. For lack of a better phrase, I want to feel worthy.