Wednesday, Mar. 26, 2003 | 12:11 A.M.
I don't want to admit it to myself
It seems weird when I look back a year ago, it seems like I am going through the same things or emotions - maybe I am just cyclical, who knows.
I've been going throug some emotions lately that either I don't want to deal with or I don't know how to identify them. It has mostly to do with school and my comps. But others things have popped in there every once in a while.
Sometimes I wonder why I have this diary. Does it do me any good? Is it really entertaining people out there? Am I really saying anything original, or is it just recycled human conditions?
I will let you know now, this diary is not going to flow.
Almost every night since spring break, I have had a dream. I know that everyone has a dream or dreams every night, we just do not remember them, which means we are getting a good nights rest, so good for that. I'm not saying I haven't been sleeping well, just maybe my subconscience is speaking loud enough where I am listening. One of my dreams had to go into a class room to take a big exam (or comp) and I didn't know or understand the question, and the prof and other students were getting frustated with me. I felt lost and scared. The other dream was about the last day of a play, basically I think the last play I did, Alice in Bed, with some interesting twists. For some reason, I was living in North Little Rock and I overslept. I was freaking out because I thought I missed the play, but I didn't, but I still stalled long enough from freaking out because I missed to play that I really missed the play, at least the first part of it. I was ready to drive back to Conway, when I realized that the last production was being held at the auditorium at the North Little Rock high school. I get in and find we are at intermission. At this point, I am freaking out because I think I have forgotten my lines (funny because in Alice in Bed, I didn't have any lines). I start freaking out and I read over the script and I began to forget everything I am supposed to do. Finally I get on-stage and begin to go. Then it is curtain call. But this curtain call is very intersting - we are all hooked up to trapeze wire things where you can jump for long distances kind of thing. Well, people are getting named and I am waiting there having no idea what I am going to do. I am the last person named, I remember them saying, "And finally, but not least, Chadwin Davis." Except in my head, my name is muffled by my anxiety I am feeling as I jump and go across the stage to cheers. At this point I go crazy and do flips and all sorts of acrobatics.
Strange, huh?
Before I forget, I have updated my reviews page and my ME page. Please go check that out.
Sometimes I want to run away from my life. I feel like I have messed up in some way, and I want to run away from it and start over. I want to leave what I am, and find out what I want to be. I feel like I made a wrong turn somewhere or didn't make a turn I should have made. But...I can't. I can't leave. I want to leave soo badly that I would give up everything. I feel trapped, chained, stranded, kidnapped, consumed by something. I want to be liberated so bad I want to cry. But I can't right now. I have to finish what I somewhat started. I don't want to, but I have to, as much as I hate it.
Which leads me back to my comps. I am soo scared of them. I don't think I have ever been this scared about something in my life. I know this is why I've been putting it off for so long; this fear has slowly grown into something terrible. It something more than fear, and a doubt, and a acceptance that I will fail it - it is all those things combined and something else, but I don't know what that something else is. I just look at the questions and think to myself, "I don't know these answers; I never knew these answers. Why do they think I know these? I can't answer them. I don't know these answers!" To me, this isn't just negative thinking, that if I just think positively and visualize that I will be okay, everything will be okay. This exam is the only wall blocking me from graduating. I know I have to take a summer class, but that's easy, this isn't. I feel like I have wasted all this time and energy to the thwarted by this exam. That this exam is my death, is my injection, is my knock-out punch. This exam is the plague for me. Or better yet, this exam is God. It is the ultimate judge to see whether I am worthy enough to go onto the next level of my life. This exam is all seeing and all knowing - And I can't take that. I am petrified, literally petrified.
And all during this, I am supposed to perform well in a huge choir performance and a play, all the while doing other scholastic materials, and and and...trying to figure myself out enough to look for a job if if if I graduate where I can make enough money to survive and help and support a woman whom I want to marry - It is almost too much for me to handle that my thoughts tend to go toward other places good and bad to escape this...this jumble I have created for myself.
I am scared. I am scared I will not survive. I am scared that I will not succeed like I did last year when I didn't graduate. I feel like I won't get a job, I'll depend upon my parents for money until they do not have any, that I'll never be able to support Erin enough and our lives will be in shambles because I couldn't get MY act together.
I'm a nervous wreck, but not on the outside, on the inside.
I bought a couple of art picture thingys. It is basically a japanese art. On one, it repeats the word BREATHE over and over; and on the other, it says EXHALE. Erin picked those out for me, and I suppose for a reason.
I just wish sometimes I can do things as simples as that...
breathe...
and exhale...
all the while standing outside a beach house during the spring/summer time, with a breeze in the air staring out at the light blue sky reflecting upon the deep blue water with the light, bright sun shining down on the light, white sand. Me wearing light khaki pants, flip flops, a tank, and a light, white flowy button up shirt. Just staring out into the world, knowing that there are few worries in the world. Being able to relax - to breathe - to exhale - and....
to live.