Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2003 | 12:31 A.M.
tired, tired, tired with soo much to do
Yeah, like the title says, I am tired, with much cleaning and studying to do. This isn't going to be a long entry, because I am tired. Maybe not even this long, but I will add something that popped in my head today.
I sometimes get these odd feelings in me. Mostly when I am driving do to some adrenielen rushing activity, basically driving fast, really fast. I get those fantasies along with I want to outrun a police car (which would happen if I was driving fast), and then I get a morbid one where I want to crash or something, but mostly, I get a strong desire to just hit the gas and see how fast I can go, not just for a short period, but just flying down the interstate. Sometimes I think it might be a good idea to get a bike, because speed on a bike seems much faster than speed in a car because of the wind and the closeness you are to the road. I know I feel like I am flying when I am going 40-45 on an ATV, just imagine going 65.
Also, I had a quick thought to why I haven't been performing in school as well as I did in high school, and I think I know why. Before, I strived to do well, to be the best or one of the best, always wanting to know the right answers. I remember asking questions to like the only two questions I got wrong because I wanted to know, I wanted to get them right. Now, I just want to get through things, so I am not so adimate in class, I don't ask questions, and I just try to get back, not trying to do well. I often wondered why. I know in some classes I didn't care, but others I did, and I think that in college, it was often better to say, "I messed up big time" and having everyone relate to you, rather than in high school thinking "I did well, I bet I did better than you" kinda thing. I don't know, just seems weird. Don't know who I am going to turn that around when I am graduating this year. Maybe I just need to quit being intimidated by my professors (I have this thing where I think they think I am stupid and therefore, I don't ask questions - he who doesn't ask cannot make a fool of himself - or something like that) and ask some damn questions, but it would also help if i READ the books. But christ, I just want to get out, and stop reading books (at least for school).
I'm babbling and rambling and really have no idea what I am saying. Like trying to tell a great story or joke, and just fucking it up; yep, that's this entry.
I need to write down some funny words or words I find humorous so I can remember them later when I want to say them. I've been picking up english words like git lately.
Blah! Friend from NYC coming here tomorrow, then parents coming to town thurs, then M-lady leaving for home Sat. It's busy busy busy, then alone time for me, what fun.
God, I am a bore. I think I am just writing because I'm am trying to find the right note to end on. Saying I'm a bore and that's it, isn't a good ending. Don't know what is. This would be a better read if I was on drugs or something, at least I would laugh at myself, and all of this would make sense.