Monday, Nov. 25, 2002 | 11:16 P.M.
don't know where this is going to go...
On further comment from my last review, or further thinking, which ever it may be, I have been wondering about these emotion, or not so emotional entries, and why do people expect them from diaries.
I know why people expect emotion from diaries, it's a fucking DIARY! This is supposed to be the place to put your emotions. For a person like me who, sometimes, have hard times expressing emotions, this gives me a medium to express them. But why do we express emotions?
From what I have gathered, or just I think, that we have more emotions handy when we are sad in some way(anger, jealousy, fear, worry, doubt, anxious, suicidal) than we do when we are happy (love, joy, elation); that or I cannot think of enough words to place along with happy than I can with sad...does that say something about my life or the way I think.
-Sidenote- If you did watch 7th Heaven tonight, M-lady has had the exact same problem with me, and almost the exact same use of words (How can I love a person who doesn't love himself?). I hate it when shows point out things that hit too close to home. And they are not usually happy points either, like tonight, he wanted to commit suicide because his girlfriend of years broke up with him and he had no reason to live. I know I have done this before, but not as often anymore. I do have some difficulty trying to figure out how a person will help me see that I am a good person, believe in myself, and worth love and living. This may seem simple, but it is very complex with me.
Anyways, the reviewers problem is that sometimes, I do not FULLY express my emotions, which may be true. Sometimes I cannot, for the pure fact that I am confused and don't understand; other times it is I figure I know what I am feeling, and so should you all. When I am writing a paper, I think that everyone who reads this should know what emotions goes along with a paper, so I tend not to write them out. Maybe I do need that imood thing, but it is soo time consuming.
And in turn, do we need to write emotion in every damn entry. If that is the case, I would worry about that person. When we are content, we normally do not focus on us, but what is around us, which is normally mundane and not exciting. I know I don't get these inspirations (HA) of thought when I am necessarily happy, most likely when I am saddened or angry in a way. I bet you can look back on my entries and try to find a happy, emotional entry. I don't think I have one, but I may.
I know that I have been avoiding any time of thought because I am tired of thinking. I just want to do nothing for this break, but I have to read. I want a break damnit. I don't want to read about saddam hussein and his life, thought it may make me understand what is really going on, but it is long; 400 pages.
I really do not know what else to say, and I really do not know what I want for christmas besides a couple of things. Is that soo bad that I don't know what I want. Does that, in itself, mean anything?
I really do not want to rationalize, analyze, recognize, exercise, but to rejuvenize my mind, body, and spirit.
And I am hating my belly and body right now. Really Really am. I know, work out, aerobics, yoga, something...but I just don't have time. Maybe this break when I will be just freaking out about my comps.
I hate school...I just want to be out