Saturday, Oct. 05, 2002 | 11:16 P.M.
cool breezes hitting my face
let me ask you this: don't you hate it when you get some deep thoughts in your head that you need to get written down, but don't have the ability. and then when you get the ability to write it down, you either forget what you were thinking or just don't care anymore? i've had one of those days.
i've been thinking about how to treat this diary. should i use it for my daily reminders of what i need to be doing and have done, or should i use it as an emotional outlet where i can see my struggles put to life as they are written on this diary?? maybe i should have two diaries, or maybe do multiple entries; one be what i did, the other be what i feel....or i could just say "fuck it all" and not worry about what i am writing, and just write. yeah, that sounds good.
i went driving for a couple of hours today. rode with windows down and sunroof open. i enjoyed it. i like driving, espically on nice roads. went to the lake and just sat on the docks and stared. it was nice. at one point, i thought i was moving closer to the trees or the trees were moving closer to me. perhaps it had to do with the waves moving toward me making it appear that i was moving, but it was cool. i also realized that we, as humans, cannot see the whole picture. i tried today to see all that was in front of me, but i couldn't. even if i moved quickly to see it all, i didn't b/c something would have changed in that short time span. also, when i did try to take it all in, it was almost too much; overwhelming, my eyes began to water. i really don't know what exactly this all means, but it is something to think about.
also, i think i have the same relationship with nature as i do with God. I am in awe of each, both have tremendous power, and I am in fear of both. maybe this fear comes from not understanding either, which is where most of my fear comes from, not understanding...that and failure...and embarrassment...and many other things. i could make a "what i am afraid of" page on here. it is a feeling of wanting to be surrounded by it at the same time scared to be. and, i get peace from both if i just sit. it is a nice feeling. i just wish i could get more from it, but maybe i am not letting myself. i know i want something, need something in life, but don't know quite what it is. closer comes to mind, or love, but i have love, but something is missing. and i think it is within me. i might be missing something, or overlooking something here that i should, or something i always knew that would happen, or what meant love and i lost it along the way.
♥ i know i need to make a list of things i want to do. one of them is to watch a sunrise. i thought about doing that tonight/morning, i still might. go to the lake and watch it...take pictures. just something nice to do. nature is a beautiful thing, i just wish i had the capacity to soak it all in.
well, i believe that is all for now. i could talk about my escapades with riding a bike, but i will save that for tomorrow. got some good quotes to go with that. so i leave you all with minimal thoughts. seems like that is all i can muster right now. deep-felt emotion for all of you. night!