Monday, Apr. 01, 2002 | 11:32 P.M.
mmm, mmmm, confusion....
well, i know all of you out there just love my diary entries....they are just chalk full of thoughts that do not make sense, ideas that are not realistic, and worries that would kill the pope (i really have no idea what the hell that meant). so let's start another section shall we?
i know i haven't been forthcoming with my thoughts and informations of this past weekend. so where shall i start, i guess friday is a good day.
Friday:
friday i did not go to class...i couldn't breathe when i got up and couldn't see very well, so i went back to bed. got up feeling not well and decided to miss my last class and go to LR. while in LR, went to both malls, got a new outfit (32 pant size....hehe and a small shirt....hahhahehe), O bought a cute easter outfit then we left for the other mall. got into a religious convo that i guess i wasn't ready for. left seeing a storm coming in. went back to conway to get ready for the next day.
Saturday:
slept in saturday and didn't get around quick enough for me, but my parents weren't ready either so no big. got O and went to maumelle. got there and drove back to conway and ate at the cracker barrell. took long enough then headed to harrison. most of the way hearing my mom or dad telling me how to drive. you know, after driving for almost 8 years now, and making this drive many times alone and with them, you would think they have an idea that i do know what i am doing.....grrrrr. got to harrison and went to my sis's house. she wasn't there but my neice and nephew were. i love both of them, but moreso my nephew...don't know if it is he is older, or first, or a boy, but whatever. he makes me feel welcomed when i am around, so i feel really good. O enjoys being around him too, and i think august, my nephew, showed his appreciation toward O. After the sis's house, went to our old house. still looks fine, expect the shit that the city is doing...bastards. then O and I went to wal-mart...fun times there. then went back and went to bed.
Sunday:
sunday we got up early, not a fun thing for me, to go to early service with my sis and her other family. O looked good and i think i look alright...need newer, nicer, and better fitting shirts. got there and saw O was very nervous. i wasn't nervous just felt uncomfortable. maybe it was the shirt...i dunno. saw family and august who was wearing a cute outfit. he had stickers to play with during the service...O wanted them. i kept trying to relax O, then when i looked at her while singing, i just said "i love you". i don't really know why i said it, just did....it made her feel better and a bit more relaxed. during a silent time, i spent (which i usually do) praying and asking questions...usually moreso than most. so many things i was confused about and didn't understand about my beliefs and what they meant. when i got out of it, O asked me if i was alright b/c my eyes were watering...i didn't really know they were, but told her i was fine. church over and we hustled around getting O to my sis's house to cook. after waiting for a short while, we went to my brother-in-law's brother-in-law's parents house. O asked me if it was only in southern families where people assume and treat you like family even when you aren't....i said yes and look at the benefits. i've always liked that about my family...even though i may not be apart of a family, i am treated that way. great great food. got a slab of cow on my plate...really good, but really big. drank a bloody mary and played with the kids. oh, when we rang the door bell, i think i heard august say, is that chadwin? made me feel good, then when we got in, august wanted to show O off to everyone. really cute and made O happy. after dinner, we went back to pack and leave. dad drove and O slept. i did for a bit but basically relaxed. got home then drove back to conway. then O made me watch "a knight's tale". actually enjoyed it. then went bowling....didn't go well...get into that later. but ended better. then went to denny's. talked to O some more about why i said "i love you" to her and stuff. i don't think i explained why i am afraid of things. i guess i am afraid of a serious relationship is b/c they haven't worked for me....and if i get into a serious relationship, then it will fail. i don't know....and me saying "i love you" makes it serious. i'm just strange i guess. then when we were leaving, found a cat outside. O asked if it belonged to anyone, but it didn't, so O took it home with her. we think it is pregnant, oh what fun..who wants a kitty?
Monday:
since i didn't get much sleep this weekend, i decided to miss class....again...you can stone me later....didn't do anything today. went bowling again...did better, got a schedule together for this term. ate some pasta. watched tv and then came back to my room where i decided to grace you all with this hugely long entry. i hope you enjoy every bit of it.
you know, i could go on with some areas that i missed....but i don't know if i should....well, let's just have a quick summary. games bad...hate games, always have...they push me away when some think they will bring me in. opportunity lost on that account, so oh well.
got upset and shaken at boy when i saw him bowling. messed me up that he did better than i. got a 215....grr....and i did shit. but now, i think i will try and move past it.
looking at working here at the admissions office over the summer and next year. it might work for me and if i dont' know what i want, i could always work here for a year or so. hey it is money and a job. decision must be made and this entry must end sometime, and i guess this is the best time. you can do what you want with me later when you see me....i'll understand.