Tuesday, Feb. 26, 2002 | 1:12 P.M.
new....things
*sigh*
uhm....i really don't knwo what to say right now. things have just happened kinda quickly the term. i know that sounds weird...quickly this term, but things has happened to me this term that i thought would never happen to me my entire life.
it is strange.
you here problems of other people...and you start to relate...you start to realize that you are not soo different from this person or this person.
then things happen that change the way you look at yourself. you do something different, people do things differently...they treat you differently than you are used to..
or differently than you would except anyone else to treat you or think of you.
how do you know you affect people...
how do you really know?
is it ego that says, i don't affect people
or is it, i don't these people care enough in me to be affected
or is it, what i do doesn't matter to anyone...
then you get a shock that it does, and your whole world changes...how do you adjust to that?
do i want my life back the way it was...no
do i want my life the way it is now...not entirely
i want understanding, i want knowledge, i want truth
i want to know me...how do i affect people?
what is soo special about me that people see?
why do people care soo much?
why do people like me?
how can i do all these amazing things without even knowing it????
the new...the old...clash between the two. the old has been around, then the new comes along...begins to like the new and starts to adjust...the old doesn't like it and begins to doubt...the new wants a part, the old doesn't want to let go.
how can i balance all this?? i just want things to be happy, not confusing, not frustrating, not angry, not me battling or defending people.
why do people worry...why do i worry constantly...why do people worry constantly about me? is their no trust?
i wanted to see if i am liked...i believe i know that i am...now it feels like i must leave the place where i found the answers and come back to what has always been....i guess...home.
but i don't want to...i want to keep exploring, keep reaching, keep finding answers...i don't want to leave...but then again, i don't want to forget about home...i dont' want to leave home either.....
*sigh*
all the burdens on this little body...
how do i go on?
i wish i knew.....