Saturday, Oct. 12, 2002 | 12:35 A.M.
look my way?
I hate this. I hate when this happens. Right when I am about to right an entry, something happens to distract me long enough to forget what I was about to say; or lose my train of thought. I'll try to spell it out, but it will just sound like jumble.
I want recongnition. I think that is what I want most in life, at least right now. It doesn't even have to be a large scale, just someone coming up to me and saying, "hey, you did a good job" or "i liked your opinions" or "you are pretty funny" or "i am glad i have you as a friend". I don't know, just something. Am I asking for too much here? If I am, please someone tell me; I do want to know if I am asking for too much from people.
I also feel pressured now when I write my entries. I could be to impress reviewers, or the people that are now reading my diary. I almost feel like I need to write something of great substance to grasp their attention; I suppose make myself worthy of being read.
I've been adding new links to my diary, if you didn't already know. Go check them out. And I like for people to leave me messages on my guestbook or notes. Makes me feel special.
Tomorrow I am going to be wearing tights. I'm sure all of you will be dying to hear about it, and maybe even see pictures of such a great event. I hope you know I am being extremely sarcastic right now.
Reviewing is going well. I just get worried on occasion about what I am writing will offend someone; like a low score or something to that matter. I mean to be fair, so every time I do a review, I get a bit nervous. And I get extremely nervous when the person I have reviewed sends me a message. I'm just waiting for someone to say 'you suck!'. Just like I am for being reviewed. I have a new one up on my reviews link.
I want this feeling of emptyness, worthlessness to go away. I want that side to come out. I know I have a side of me that I am proud of, that will do what is expected of him, but not in that following way. The side that I can feel burning deep down within. The voice that I hear when I am listening. That voice that tells me to go out, to not care, to do what I love, to do things for me but not because I don't like what I see, to do it because I will like it, I will feel better, I will be relaxed.
I feel like I am babbling right now. Not much about what is going on in my life, too much going on in my head.
grr...
I just want a hug and someone to say, "I'm glad I know you."