Sunday, Jul. 28, 2002 | 8:48 P.M.
i'm not from this world
with a responce from the last entry. I am going to say some things that will sounds strange and stupid. when i was thinking what came first in all of these problems i have, the tops being oc, avoidant, and borderline, i was wondering how they began. i don't remember thinking these things until i got to school. now, i don't know if this is what is supposed to happen to children when they get older, if this is to teach them worldly ways and to succeed, you must follow and understand these ways. social darwinism at work, wonderful...
i don't remember when i started having these thoughts of i need to be the best, or i need to succeed, or anything like that. apparently, i was damn smart when i was younger. got like a 99 percentile when i was 5 or so. didn't really care about it, or knew what it meant. i was just having fun going to school and playing baseball. then awards came out, i wanted an award...why didn't i get one. then came competition. i want the awards, i want to be recognized as being good. teachers knew i was smart, then questinoned when i didn't do well, or didn't try.
classmates made fun of me b.c they knew that i wouldn't fight back, i was a nice guy, i wanted to have fun and be happy. but all that didn't affect me soo much until i was 12. yeah, i was dissappointed when i didn't get all a's, and had a big stink happen when i made a b in english in 5th grade when i was expected by me teacher to make an A from all of her students. then around that time, i ran into my mom with a grocery kart and she fell, lifeless on the ground. i freaked, to me, i made a mistake, i couldn't help her. i felt helpless. this is where i begin to get quiet and freak out about how i am.
and of course, jr. high happens. the hell of all school years, b/c of puberty. kids are asses at this time of their lives, and some of them took it out on me. so i begin to become Avoidant. Then, to me, i needed to do well to make up for the inaddequitacy -whatever- in social situations. basically, i didn't date at all. i didn't start trying to date until 11th grade....no, yes...no....oh hell, i can't remember...well, i had a huge crush on a girl and she said she was busy when i asked to her go with me to the movies in 5th grade. so, i thought i was scum. from this trial of perfection of others to like me, OC comes in. high school i gained lots of weight...20-40 lbs. and i am not talking muscle either.
still wanting people's approval and a desire to be liked and wanted and acccepted and whatnot....college begins. away from everything...then fun ol' Borderline shows up.
during these times, there were good times. AGS was great for me, kinda got me out of the funk, but it also made me question myself, and that escalated in college.
so here i am. logical wasn't it??? but i can say that i am at the weight i was in 8-9 grade with the waist size to match, and probably 20-40 lbs. of more muscle. i have a girlfriend. my grades are improving...B avg. for the past few terms. seems like i am liked and are found attractive, so what is my fuckin problem of needing to go to the pyschologist and still having fits of anger like i have never had before, punching things, beating myself, almost killing myself a couple of times....what quest am i on>??? what am i looking for????
am i in the great battle of what society expects of me and what my internal body and subconscience has always wanted from me??
hell if i know... my heart rate is probably out of the roof b/c this just popped in my head. what took probably 15 minutes to type took 2 minutes in my head to comprehend. that's messed up man.
i need to do some serious soul searching to find out what i want, what i need, what i want from me, and how to go about it...my attitude, my confidence, my perception of others and life and them on me.
will someone just tell me that i am too deep for my own good??? that i think too much, that i analyize too much....geez....i need to relax.
if you have any suggestions to relax my mind, though my body wouldn't mind to relax some more (i love you erin *wink wink*)
to all that read this, i have too many emotions to tell you from i'm sorry to thank you very much. i'm a walking paradox, enjoy the ride.
I love you all, and thank you for being here for me. am i bipolar??? i hade a dream that i asked Abe Lincoln that question, then i wake up and my shorts and bb's are around one ankle and i am basically naked. what kind of dream was i having....deeeeaaaammnnn.
god, i am crazy, so that is why erin find me attactive, or cute. am i cute...sure i am. this i know. i am a teddy bear. i am zen teddy, no, uhm...neo teddy....uhm....no....mmmm, i'll have to come back on that. sure, why not. i feel like i am ridilin or sugar or better yet, X. it almost feels great at the same time i am scared shitless....
so, i must end now or i will overload my circuits. i bid you all, a farewell.