Sunday, Mar. 10, 2002 | 6:14 P.M.
dreaming
I've been going through some intense emotions and feelings the past couple of days. Basically ones of being left behind or the only person without one, at least in my head.
stuff happened friday night that i wasn't quite clear on and wasn't too happy about.
sat was interesting... slept all day, which felt good. then went to pete's to drop off dogma and watch some kevin smith. left during dogma around 10 to see O who wasn't feeling well. so i tried to cheer her up and we went to wally world. needed some stuff. then we decided to pop in on Pi. she dad three other guys with her watching IWAV. some stuff happened or at least in my head and i was moody the whole night. don't really know why, or i really can't explain why. so, the rest of the night, i was kinda not there.
O tried to get me out of it, but, alas, i'm too stubborn to budge. well, today rolled in and i was reluctant to go with O and bun and fire to IHOP. i needed to study and i wasn't doing a good job of what i called studying. but they persisted that i go, so i went. food was good. then went to Park. Pi works there so we decided to pop in to see if she was there. wasn't there at the time but the girls started looking at the boys' clothes. me being a "man" and all, didn't find interest about what they were doing, until i thought that if i can wear boys shorts, they would actually fit me! and not look like capris like "men" shorts do. so the girls pressured me into trying on these clothes, and guess what, I FIT IN THEM!!! though they were the biggest sizes available, i still fit in them damnit. and guess what, they are cheaper! couldn't buy any today...no money. but i will return and splurge on the fact that i can wear boys clothes that fit and look good on me.
while looking at A clothes then going to AE, i started having fantasies of me wearing these clothes and adapting to that lifestyle....i guess i am a firm believer that the clothes make the man....
then i started talking to Pi, we found her, about my body and body fat and how we can loose it. from that to the clothes and me being a thinker....i started fantasizing about how i can reach this plateau of physical fitness and how it would make me feel around other and myself....i like it....i like it alot...but i know i have to work at it, which is something i don't do very well. so this may be my first big step at becoming an adult or mature or what the hell ever....
i also came to the realization that i am not ready for grad school. i need that year or two to get this straightened out, and so, i will look for a normal job this summer, or an intership that pays money. so i will have time to do things on my own and have fun and work out and figure things out....looking at the stars at night and wondering what they hold for me and all that jazz....
i want to keep this dream alive, b/c i think it will present more dreams that i have that i won't throw away b/c i know they won't work. even though this is my dream and my life, i hope it doesn't make anyone else feel uncomfortable or whatever. i never like doing that to someone. *sigh*
gotta keep this alive...somehow
need to go to my room and check on my answering machine to see if mel is back. i hope i know my lines well enough to go through the play....*sigh*
drama is my life, i just need to harness it to where i can control it
maybe i need to watch a martial art movie where they harness their energy...so it will get me thinking..harness my energy and strengths and present them to the world so can go on to bigger and better things....
the only thing that stops a dreamer is his own reality...
it will not stop this time...
dream......